Mass Effection 3 Citadel DLC rant and rave!

My Mass Erection Effection 3 rant continues with...

The Citadel DLC!

*Spoilers Included*

But Julie I thought you were done-
NO! I'm never done with my Mass Erection!!!

What is there left to talk about? A sweet little diddy I'd like to call Citadel-why-isn't-all-shore-leave-like-this-DLC

Even though I'm still

I will bring on my ranting...

So I’ve acquired some fashionable pad that Anderson has been keeping all to himself, even though he’s dying on Earth currently.

May I ask how the first human spectre didn’t have a sweet apartment like this? Hmm?

Shenanigans.

Anderson is like “lolsies I’m most likely gonna die here… so there you go! Have my very expensive mansion apartment complex in some eccentric part of town! The fires never shut off, so it’ll mostly likely burn the place down in the near future! Hazzah! Oh I’ve also left a bunch of extremely personal audiopads lying around for no particular reason other than to make you listen to my voice for an excruciating long period of time! You’re welcome!”

All while FemShep is “…”

So shore leave. 

...more like everyday.

Because we don’t have enough times when I’ve come back to the Citadel for one specific trip just to fuck with people’s heads and makes us waste all our fuel. It’s my damn ship, I do what I want!

Joker’s like "come have sushi with me!" 
I’m like "YES." No questions asked. 

Bitches love sushi.

Oh j/k Joker didn’t send that message… 
Now some cray bitch named Brooks comes to find me and freaks out saying someone is gonna kill me. (Who aren't reapers btw, which I'm like oh well who cares?) She has got to be the worst alliance officer ever… of all time.

I’m like umm bitch. EVERYONE is trying to kill me… do you know who I am?!

What are you the reincarnation of Ashley?! If you call me skipper, I'll kill you.

and we don’t get to have sushi because someone fucking attacks us first. FML
I wanted sushi… //frowny face//

So I fall through the fish tank, because I don’t have any skills suddenly…
Don’t have a scratch on me. (Don’t think that’s really possible…) I must have super powers now!

Or I'm Batman.

So I run around the citadel trying not to die with some amazing pistol I’ve acquired magically.
Kaidan lover shows up.

Kaidan: “And Shepard… nice outfit…”
FemShep: "thanks Kaidan it’s pretty much the same damn outfit you have on actually. I didn’t wear a dress to dinner with Joker, fuck no, my body’s for you Kaidan clearly! But did you ask me out on a date? Nooooo~ You were too busy doing something else huh?"

You cannot see my boobs through my armor Kaidan.

And who else shows up?
Fucking Wrex?!?!
I almost pissed myself with joy (or orgasmed with happiness) 
He legit tackles a flying car... because he can. I can't even-

What happens if he died? Who shows up then?

We get back to my new sweet pad and It’s like a ME1 reunion just walked through the door (+EDI)... AKA everyone who enjoys getting shot at came to my aid… I may have been way too joyous during this time.

Brooks talks some kind of nonsense to me for a good 5 minutes

Seriously, did no one brief you on WHO I AM!?!

...who let you join the army? Seriously? 
Is Anderson trolling me?
Did he send her to test my patience?



I'm failing.

So uncover mission time, we are forced to dress up nicely... and I begrudgingly take Brooks along, since I’m convinced she’s not capable of doing anything beneficial to me…

One false move and:

So Shore Leave has taken a toll for the sexy.

Finally wear my dress… Kaidan says nothing.

(btw FemShep walks soooo fucking weird in that dress of hers. It’s like her butt sticks out way too far. I swear EA really needs to fix this shit… I’m pretty sure the people who work on these games have never met a real woman before.)

Kaidan, why don’t you wear this snazzy outfit more often, huh? You looking handsome under my command should be mandatory.

I force Kaidan to dance for a good 10 minutes for my personal enjoyment. All while Brook is whispering in my ear "I'm upstairs... come meet me" Ignoring you...

Dance gypsy DANCE!

Seeing Sha’ira again was a fiinnnaallly for me. (You know the asari whore excuse me I mean the hostess/massage therapist/mindraper from the first game) They did that way too often with this game, just make up characters and go “nah we don’t need you byeeee”

I asked her if she was going to mindfuck me again... she didn't respond.

I have to talk to guards and hack security cameras so why-am-I-in-a-vent-Brooks can do her damn job. Goes to show FemShep is the boss since she makes everyone else do random grunt work for her.

Kaidan did a fantastic job of making up nonsense while talking to people. I actually missed my chance at hacking the system because I was too busy laughing at his ridiculous stories he made up.

"Heeeey~ don't I know you?"
"No..."
"No I TOTALLY know you!"

So finally mission complete?- Oh, er, that dude is dead. Cool. Oh we recovered data, yay? WTF is going on? 

We aren't planning things out well are we?

Time for phase two I guess.
I take Wrex and Kaidan lover with me because reasons.
Liara, and EDI get all pissy with me, saying I never take them anywhere. So I’m like, "I shall hear your complaining and raise you- I’ll take EVERYONE! HAZZAH~~!!!"Why this hasn’t happened before is beyond me.

Mass Effect Logic: 

Very important mission, humanity relies on this intel. Take 2 people with me. Leave rest on ship.

Some dude brings me a pizza because James got the fucking munchies. Biggest “lol what??” moment. I haven’t thrown the party yet come back later!
What a bro James is, seriously... (You're not allowed to have pizza unless we bang.) Deal?

So new mission of great importance… and who do we meet now?
An alleged clone of me?
…wat?

Sorry wrong game.

Kai Leng Miranda… I think you have some explaining to do…
I was mad confused this happened, let alone that my clone is legit capable of destroying my life. Shenanigans.

The subtitles are funny, they first call the clone "Mysterious Figure."
I'm like "No... I'm pretty sure that's me.."

I was dumbfounded for a good 10 minutes.

Kaidan did a fanfuckingtastic job defending my honor...
Kaidan: "Y-you're not the real Shepard! R-right Shepard? I, er, wait, who have I been having sex with?!" *spaz attack*
FemShep: *Death Glare*

Kaidan god dammit NO! STAHP IT!

Shore Leave is getting ridiculous...


My clone is basically a better version of me, except she's an uberbitch...

Alright then...

FemShep is like "Imma talk into my omnitool and stop you fools from taking my ship-"
Clone: "shanked."
FemShep: "...dammit."



Going through the archives was actually pretty cool; it’s like an extra history lesson that they completely forgot to add in the actual game…

EA: lol let’s put this into the story line! Why? Because we can~!
Seriously EA. Stop that shit. 



So we fight our way to the clone to have what happen? We get stuck in some container and oh look that stupid clone set this whole thing up. What a grand surprise! 


Funny how the original Shepard is suddenly a dumbass. That clone stole more than looks in this case. 

Oh and that bitch 
Miranda Brooks. I fucking knew it. No one is that stupid of an officer in the Alliance. Frankly, I’m glad she betrayed me because now I know she’s actually not a retard.



Good for her.

(Pretty much Brooks IS Ashley reincarnated because she hates aliens... I knew it. They're punishing me for killing of Ashley and enjoying it.)

Oh and now they’re taking my ship. Hell. No.

Also, suddenly I'm not FemShep anymore and I'm just a civilian stuck in a container.



The whole “I should go” conversation was golden. (Why didn’t they do MORE of this in the original game?! ) FemShep is so worried about how she pronounces a sentence while Wrex and Kaidan are like.. ummmmm can we please get outta here...

Must get back to ship.

More bitching from Edi and Liara because I don't take them along...

My clone tries firing everyone on the Normandy. I know FemShep can be a bitch sometimes, but really? No one thought that was a little odd? Really?
Traynor flips a shit at me.

Traynor: Why would you fire me! Omg I'm amazing why whhhhyyyy
FemShep: Calm down LezzieBean!

We use… I’m sorry… we use Traynor’s toothbrush to break into my ship? …I…

I can’t…



Me: ...w-why...?
EA: because reasons.

We’re on the ship, all my shit is in a bag labeled trash, even my cute little hamster… 
WHO THROWS OUT A HAMSTER?!

Imma kill… dat clone bitch.



FemShep holds nothing back and almost destroys the Normandy to get it back.
Mass Erection logic. It’s fine.
Because I’d rather have the ship destroyed than a clone pretending to be me and frolicking around smash ruining my golden reputation. 

So showdown.

I beat this clone pretty quickly to my surprise, even those my clone has a much better healing ability than I do… seriously FemShep got the low end of the “make me whole again” deal here…


Sorry, wrong game again.

I even try to save the clone. Why? Because I wanted spare organs. That’s what clones are for. And we all know FemShep needs extra parts.

Didn’t happen. Died anyway.


Miranda Brooks goes to jail... Allegedly you can kill her. Missed that opportunity... (It's okay I killed Ashley) 

Normandy still needs repairs, huh?… lol I wonder why? 
Did Femshep have something to do with that hmm???


...I can't unsee this.