Politics 2015 - Debate Edition

Apparently there was a debate.

So... Donald Fagen Trump's bat shit crazy, right?

How many thousands would legit more out of this country if he was President? Then realize how shitty it is everyone else in the world, try to come back, but Trump had already built a huge wall around the US, renamed the country the UTA; United Trump of Americas.

Pretty sure it'd be him, Texas, and maybe a bunch of cold Alaskans. That's a lot of space he can put up casinos crop fields.

Dat look. Exactly.

Putin backs Trump. We’re in trouble now.

Teddy Bear Cruz's website keeps getting more shittier hysterical. Have ya seen his Christmas Sweater? Or How about the Straight Outta Congress poster?

His "Traditional Social & Moral Values"... are not referring to the gayish type things we do now but returning to colonial days where we'd have to churn butter and have weird ass names like Hepzibhah, Bathsheba, and Waltercronkitina. Olden America, where nobody had any rights.

It’s also come to my attention that Cruz and Rubio are, in fact, the same entity. One’s simply the alternate reality of what would happen if slacking on salsa lessons.

Bennie Carson falls asleep with his eyes open.

Christopher Columbus Christie I’m convinced is in the Jersey Mafia.

He’s so Jersey he’d fist fight Putin on the boardwalk while shotting down Jägermeister. Fist pumping his victory on the dirty Shore sands. I’m just kiddin’ he’d be on the ground humming to himself in drunken slur a Bruce Springsteen song. "Boooooooorn is the USA~"

At least Jebadiah Bush isn’t stupid enough to say he liked the Star Wars prequels. That statement alone won him 1000s of new votes.

Rick Santoranium only has to say two words and he gets a round of applause.

Meanwhile Lindsay Lohan Graham's position is to disagree with everyone else so he stands out.

The debate consisted of a least a half an hour of Jeb claiming “Trump said blah blah ISIS blah blah not our fight” while Trump said “Blah blah blah blah shut up I'm perfect” Oh and a lot of National Security. Back and forth Cruz and Rubio. Meanwhile my boy Christie is like, “see this is what the senate is like. Endless bullshit and nothing gets done.”

+1 Zing! For him.

These are the best drinking games.

Patton Oswalt said it best; “I’ve taken a drink every time the CNBC anchors said 'ascending' and now I’m Judy Garland.”

Just because it was a Republican debate, doesn’t mean I’m not making fun of the liberals today.

Colonel Sanders, I am convinced, is an alien. Considering most of his ideas are so far out there, and are getting worse mind you, you'd have to travel to Jupiter to throw yourself into the time vortex to understand what the hell he's talking about. Raise the minimum wage to $15! Where the hell is all that money gonna come from? We're already 9 bazillion trillion dollars in debt you dickhead. 

They call Trump a Nazi? lol.

Let’s make the gap smaller by making everyone poor! Hooray! Politics!

Even Iron Lady Thatcher was like “Socialism is ridiculous you stupid runts.” Just replace the "R". (PS: can we resurrect her and bring her to America please?)

Kate McKinnon Hilolary goes on twitter once again to announce her "political point of smart business suit jacket" about things like Gun Control and LGBT rights. She basically waits until something "important" happens in the news, thinks about it for about, oh I don't know, a millennia, and then takes vague stance of "this is unacceptable."

"I never took a position on Keystone until I took a position on Keystone."

No, what's unacceptable is her lack of ability to showcase why the hell we'd ever want Bill Clinton back in the white house. An answer if you will?

Martin O’Holligan has a Celtic Rock Band. He has my vote!

"I think Assad's invasion of Syria will be seen as a blunder." — Martin O'Malley

…Nevermind.

So did I make fun of your favorite Candidate? Good.

Glad we had this talk.

Politics 2015 - Website Edition

Or as I like to call it po-lol-itics.

(Take this as serious as you take the internet)

Our nation is divide between the far too hypocritical PC police and the overzealous all-about-me ignoramus. 

It's almost as if -GASP- the political runnings are reflecting our current country status. What a coincidence!

So... who do we have?

A business entrepreneur who's fired a great deal of people, allegedly, and owns some casinos that are, quite frankly, very shiny and pretty to look at. -insert TRUMP taj mahal- (Seriously it's ridiculously shiny for no god damn reason) who goes on twitter rants to "prove points"...

Oh, no, he'll make a great president.

His website has him giving the peace sign. Is this a Nixon reference or is he trying to be a cute Japanese girl?

A doctor who can't stop telling people that he separated Siamese twins. Because that's the onlything he knows how to do apparently.

"You've got Questions? Ben has answers!" #ASKBEN.

Okay Ben. How does a belt buckle stop a knife. I want a demonstration.

Everyone seems to "hate" Donald Trump (though secretly agree with 80% of what he says) and condemn him for being racist and ignorant, when Ben Carson does the exact same fucking thing, and people laugh and go "oh his calm voice is so soothing." Both of these people are leading the polls and both know NOTHING about politics...

Good job Republicans.

Wait… there’s more?

Carly Fironnichachi reminds everyone that Hillary is banking on the fact that she’d be the first woman president, but she doesn’t do that by reminding everyone that she’s also a woman but doesn’t discuss that she’s a woman because she points out that Hillary does that instead. But not her. She’s a man’s man.

My head hurts.

Fironnichachi doesn't just have answers to her questions she assumes you'll ask her, but with videos of her, just in case you thought someone else did her website for her. 

Marco Polo’s e-mail sign up question is Are you ready for a New American Century? Starting a little late there huh? (Or is it early?!)

Sometimes tweets taken out of context... make little sense.

Speaking on "and how is this relevant?".

George Bush’s Brother's website has a photo archive that “tells the story of America’s best conservative governor” 

I wish they'd provide some context clues. Makes sense with his Dr. Seuss slogan of “Jeb can fix it”.

Chris Christie “tells it like it is” because he’s so fucking Jersey he can explain all the bullshit you ever wanna hear. Ever. Even the stuff you don't wanna hear. He'll tell you ALL THE SHIT.

Ted Cruz’s website is HILARIOUS. He sells Cruz Gear, has videos of him “telling off the media” and you can even get the Cruz Crew APP!

He makes sure you know he's a die hard fan of Jesus too. #CruzlovesJesus

I think his website is run by a 12 year old fangirl. Still waiting for his Tumblr.

Huckabee looks like Nixon, right? RIGHT?! Nixon came back from the grave to run for president again, right? Man Futurama was so on point.

And that's it- wait there’s even more. No, I’m done learning new names.

On the other side we've got a legit la-la-liar of former senator/benghazi fireball who pretends to be PC but really hates everyone who doesn't already agree with her call her (madam) president. 

Hilla-lol-ry has literally been on every liberal media outlet and comedy program to gain support from the youngins because she wants to be "cool" and "hip". (Trump does the same thing and suddenly he's a terrible "person" and a "jackass" for doing so.) Obviously these are the kids that don’t realize she’s married to Bill Clinton, right?

Her website lists every issue that by the time you get to G, you’re like “peace, I’m out.” She makes sure to cover every possible liberal issue in the world. Except why she’s qualified for presidency.

Then the
communist excuse me socialist who will try to bankrupt our country more with his ridiculous ideas from Jupiter.

Free college and no debit. La-la-lols.

Get big money out of politics. Excuse me, only huge narcissist rich douches run for president.

Real family values. –clears throat- lolsies to the tenth power, good luck with that one. America can’t even figure out it’s moral foundation baseline.

His list is almost as bad as the “madam’s”.

A hashtag #FeeltheBern has started for Bernie. Should be #Feelthedebt or #FeelikemovingtoMars? or #Feeltheeconomiccollaspetocomeifhebecomespresident

Martin O’Who? May have the most stoic website out of anyone. Literally his picture looks like he’s a statue.

Good job Democrats

I feel like I'm in the god damn Twilight Zone.

I need a stiff drink.

BONUS ROUND (INTERNATIONAL ADDITION):

Meanwhile in Russia

Putin rides shirtless on horseback with a shotgun over his shoulder, ready to ride each dawn and dusk for 3 years straight on his quest to murder all of ISIS himself. Along his way he so far has battled dungeon trolls, collected rare jewel amulets, and a band of followers behind his gallop.

Fun fact: His shirt was burned off by a dragon. No wounds are found because he is Marvel superhero Wolverine in disguise. He since has slayed said dragon.

Meanwhile in Germany

Merkel has stayed up for 3 weeks straight trying to find a good selfie to use against Obama if ever need for blackmail. 

Die Iron Frau knows no softness. She hasn't smiled in 5 years.

Meanwhile in England

Lives an immortal ruling the land. 

 There have been 12 U.S. presidents, 7 popes, and has owned more than 30 corgis during her reign.