Politics 2015 - Debate Edition

Apparently there was a debate.

So... Donald Fagen Trump's bat shit crazy, right?

How many thousands would legit more out of this country if he was President? Then realize how shitty it is everyone else in the world, try to come back, but Trump had already built a huge wall around the US, renamed the country the UTA; United Trump of Americas.

Pretty sure it'd be him, Texas, and maybe a bunch of cold Alaskans. That's a lot of space he can put up casinos crop fields.

Dat look. Exactly.

Putin backs Trump. We’re in trouble now.

Teddy Bear Cruz's website keeps getting more shittier hysterical. Have ya seen his Christmas Sweater? Or How about the Straight Outta Congress poster?

His "Traditional Social & Moral Values"... are not referring to the gayish type things we do now but returning to colonial days where we'd have to churn butter and have weird ass names like Hepzibhah, Bathsheba, and Waltercronkitina. Olden America, where nobody had any rights.

It’s also come to my attention that Cruz and Rubio are, in fact, the same entity. One’s simply the alternate reality of what would happen if slacking on salsa lessons.

Bennie Carson falls asleep with his eyes open.

Christopher Columbus Christie I’m convinced is in the Jersey Mafia.

He’s so Jersey he’d fist fight Putin on the boardwalk while shotting down Jägermeister. Fist pumping his victory on the dirty Shore sands. I’m just kiddin’ he’d be on the ground humming to himself in drunken slur a Bruce Springsteen song. "Boooooooorn is the USA~"

At least Jebadiah Bush isn’t stupid enough to say he liked the Star Wars prequels. That statement alone won him 1000s of new votes.

Rick Santoranium only has to say two words and he gets a round of applause.

Meanwhile Lindsay Lohan Graham's position is to disagree with everyone else so he stands out.

The debate consisted of a least a half an hour of Jeb claiming “Trump said blah blah ISIS blah blah not our fight” while Trump said “Blah blah blah blah shut up I'm perfect” Oh and a lot of National Security. Back and forth Cruz and Rubio. Meanwhile my boy Christie is like, “see this is what the senate is like. Endless bullshit and nothing gets done.”

+1 Zing! For him.

These are the best drinking games.

Patton Oswalt said it best; “I’ve taken a drink every time the CNBC anchors said 'ascending' and now I’m Judy Garland.”

Just because it was a Republican debate, doesn’t mean I’m not making fun of the liberals today.

Colonel Sanders, I am convinced, is an alien. Considering most of his ideas are so far out there, and are getting worse mind you, you'd have to travel to Jupiter to throw yourself into the time vortex to understand what the hell he's talking about. Raise the minimum wage to $15! Where the hell is all that money gonna come from? We're already 9 bazillion trillion dollars in debt you dickhead. 

They call Trump a Nazi? lol.

Let’s make the gap smaller by making everyone poor! Hooray! Politics!

Even Iron Lady Thatcher was like “Socialism is ridiculous you stupid runts.” Just replace the "R". (PS: can we resurrect her and bring her to America please?)

Kate McKinnon Hilolary goes on twitter once again to announce her "political point of smart business suit jacket" about things like Gun Control and LGBT rights. She basically waits until something "important" happens in the news, thinks about it for about, oh I don't know, a millennia, and then takes vague stance of "this is unacceptable."

"I never took a position on Keystone until I took a position on Keystone."

No, what's unacceptable is her lack of ability to showcase why the hell we'd ever want Bill Clinton back in the white house. An answer if you will?

Martin O’Holligan has a Celtic Rock Band. He has my vote!

"I think Assad's invasion of Syria will be seen as a blunder." — Martin O'Malley

…Nevermind.

So did I make fun of your favorite Candidate? Good.

Glad we had this talk.