Mass Effect 3 Rant and Rave (Possible Spoilers)

Hi my name is Julie and I’m a Mass Effectoholic. I’ve been so for several weeks now. I need help.

The Mass Effect 3 rant begins~!

But Julie you just finished Mass Effect 2-

I know! I'm addicted. It's okay.

So not only does FemShep say bye bye to Ceberus (Finaaallly) but now I've been forced to go off duty and not do anything for a year.

Frankly, I don't believe that for a second considering FemShep is a workaholic and would not sit around for a fucking year quietly whispering to passerbyers that "the reapers are coming"

(How creepy is this picture seriously? )

Shenanigans.

Low and behold, while I was sitting around growing my boobies a cup size larger (along with an ass?) the man (?) of my secret relationship has been moving up the ranks while I wasn't looking. Kaidan is a Major?

Please report for duty Major Sexypants.
(Please give me a moment while I stare at this picture…) 

You'd think in the past year they would have said something to each other. This is how relationships work after all...

But nooo Bioware says "Romance? What's that? We bang, okay?" 

What about my feelings huh???

Speaking of hotties. Who is this beautiful muscular creature named James and HOW haven't we banged? This Latin lover is a hunk. Why yes I'll watch you do pull ups to my heart's desire. You cannot stop your commander from doing this so carry on! *dreamy stare* 

Baby you can call me Lola anyday~<3 span="">


Also once again I need to point out that this universal translator again is a plothole. How this is the thing I keep noticing is beyond me but STILL: That translator can do any alien language ever, but one little Spanish word is too much? Excuse me "pendejo" is not English and regardless to the fact that I actually do understand it's meaning IT'S NOT ENGLISH. (Not to mention all the random alien phrases now Keelah se'lai! How is that the only alien phrase untranslatable?? shenanigans.) 

Anyway. Hotties. I mean Reapers.

We warn everyone for years and suddenly NOW everyone goes "lols WTF what's going on?" ...Really? Was me being a fucking hero not enough for you people?

FemShep also hallucinates or something... Some creepy ass child won't come with us. Fine. Die.You're not my friend, so you can die. (And look at that... he does die! )

It's bad enough Anderson is pulling me along while the whole Earth is about to go to complete shit. 

FemShep: Where are we going?
Anderson: ...Watch out! Reapers!!
FemShep: Okay. Afterwards... What are we doing?
Anderson: You go! You need to save Earth! You need to get the best crew together! You...
FemShep: %()#$%^@!!!!


Dammit, Anderson... Dammit.

This is the first time I am soooo happy I have a Kinect. Talking out my decisions makes it that much more intriguing (and consequential). I have a habit of adding my own +1 Zing! to her phrases.... You ass hole this, kiss me you Latin hunk that... *ahem* ... you know common phrases like that. 


So they added that I can roll everywhere I go now. Yeah that's fantastic.... Now while I try to pick up things around the room, I roll around like a damn spider monkey!

Oh but rolling is awesome you say?

No. First time I tried to pick up a med aid I rolled 5 times past it! When I'm supposed to push a console button I do a crazy back flip away from it! ARGH!

Rolling Shenanigans.


So the Earth is burning. I told everyone the Reapers were coming and no one listened.
And now I have Kaidan the emotional hottie and James the buff hottie walking behind me as I charge into battle. (Both will be looking at my perfectly shaped ass as we march into battle. )



I have no problems with this. However... how is a lady not supposed to get distracted by this?Impossible. I don't care how much of a hard ass FemShep is... no way in hell is she walking around calmly thinking "Oh I'm totally not attracted to my teammates. Nope. I'm a gun wielding nun.."

For the Shepards, it's like having Miranda and allegedly upgraded hottie Ashley (seriously she looks like a different person!) standing behind you. Right? Concentration not happening!

Not only am I forced to work with these two beautiful men distractions on my team, but now I gotta go find the mob boss herself, Liara. I resented her for not coming with me last time, so what do I do? I guilt trip her until she finally comes with me. 

Again. How do Asari's impregnant each other? Is it through mind sex? How was lovable Liara born? I apparently can't ask her this question even though it's the ONE THING I want to ask her. (Curiosity will one day kill me.) 

Kaidan almost gets himself killed, (can you imagine the spaz fest I had during this scene?) and I feel guilty for fantasizing stalking staring  ... uhh looking at James as much as I do.

James: are you flirting with me commander?
FemShep: do you consider me running my hands all over you washboard abs and muscular biceps flirting? ...then yes. yes I am...


Now I know, Kaidan, I never trusted Ceberus. Ever. No joke I tried every time to yell at the Illusive Man about how much I hated him on a daily basis during the last game. Along with FemShep's vague dialogue of hatred, I usually added an extra 'you dickhead', 'I hate you' and 'please stop scaring the children' to the mix.

I visited Kaidan in the hospital A LOT, making sure he didn't die on me. Didn't even buy him any whiskey.
FemShep: I got ya something
Kaidan: ...what is it?
FemShep: Me.... you. naked- oh look already half way there! let's go. smex time.
Kaidan: b-b-but I'm injured! I'm still bleeding even! No one has cleaned me up!
FemShep:I don't give a damn! Sheppy needs some lovin'!
Totally normal.

Some of the cutscenes are getting down right freaky with the eye rolling glitches I have going on. Has anyone else had this happen?! Suddenly there eyes roll back and they stop lipping along to the words being spoken.

I'm thinking KaiKai is having a stroke as he's trying to flirt with me WTF?!


I made Anderson the council member in the first game but nooooo Anderson said “Fuck you Shepard. I won’t do that anymore.” and Udina is suddenly the council member? Are you JOKING?!

You chose this option? We dismiss that claim.

Sooooo I can wear a dress!!
...not very lady like.

Also this

In the mean time I'm desperate to get my old crew back. Tali and Garrus are still on my list of people I love. Forever. Thus I am freaking out that they are not on my team right now. KEELAH!


What's my new phrase to yell during moments of awesome fighting?? Tali'zorah vas NORmandyyyyy!
(No shit. I scream her name out of passion.) 

Okay... so what are these freaky dreams I'm having? I've stepped into the calm version of Silent Hill...
Everyone's whispering sweet Dead-Space-esque nothings into my ears all while I keep thinking... "STAHP IT ASHLEY. YOU DEAD."


I'm glad Liara is the nicest person in the galaxy. She has won over my love at the moment. She's just so damn NICE. How is she so nice being the mob boss of the brokers, huh? Last time I talked to her she was going to choke a person with her mind... (Is this how Asari babies are made?) 

how it is even though I saved the council they say "lols riiiight Shepard we believe you" 

Die. Hate those guys. Okay I could have let them die, and now I'm regretting that decision.

This device. The one to kill the reapers... Crucible... is this going to work? It sounds sketchy, along with not very possible, especially when everyone involved is going "what is it? we don't know! what does it do? we don't know! will this even work? most likely not! ...hazzah let's build!" 



Since we deal with magic in Mass Effect, we'll be okay, yes?

Was I right about Joker dry humping the ship or what? First off, hi EDI you're a woman now!...Congratulations? I think Bioware should have really fucked with our heads and put her in a body like James. Or put her in a tank. Like Sheila, the tank lady.


She gave me a damn heart attack when she changed into her body.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN OFF LINE?! (shouting that the same time as FemShep. Proud of myself) 
Initial reaction: that stupid bitch Miranda, she has something to do with this. (FYI: I tend to blame mysterious things on Miranda)
Followed by: I know she'd betray me!
Furthermore: Ceberus is attacking meeee!!
...oh it's just EDI... in the body of the person who tried to kill my KaiKai...


Once again, I must comment on the damn rolling. See, it'd be wonderful if FemShep looked like a ninja while accidentally not picking up something she needs... instead my bunny like reflexes have my teammates stare me down as I spaz with my lack of an ability to stand still.

Rolling. Shenanigans.

I find it odd that FemShep is the sudden peacemaker to all the species of the galaxy right now. All while she's dressed in some revealing dress handling these important business matters.

FemShep: Hey baby, I got two peacemakers right here for you... (I’m talking about boobies) 

How this hasn't started another war is beyond me. 

Speaking of boobies...

Jack is still a CRAY bitch and someone let her be a teacher?
She just comes over and punches me in the face?! dafuq!? What are you teaching your students by doing this?!
Also... Wouldn't someone be concerned about her being a convict about a year ago??? (and not just a convict, like a dangerous destructive menace to society?? )

Along with her perfect boobies evading my personal space. 

I want to know her secrets of her invisible bra.

I am very fascinated to finally meet a female krogan. I was silently hoping all the krogan woman would be these like siren goddesses in human form so we could all laugh and go "how does that even work?!" (Can you imagine if Wrex was a romance option? *shutters* )

Nope. Just a female Wrex. She's more badass too.

I decided to piss of the Salarians and save the krogans. Why? Because I'm a nice FemShep who happens to now be soooo fucking righteous it's a bit sickening.

I'm taking my slogan of "I will be everyone's friend" a little too far. Just a little...

All I want to do is make everyone happy, so they like me, and everyone in the galaxy can be friends and love each other and huuuuggggss

Except…

Reapers officially scare me. Trying to take one head on as I run toward a tower to save the krogan... 

WHAT?! It’s death ray is an instant Sheppy forever gone. Not to mention everything else attacking me. 
I don't want to fight something like that ever again.... let alone an army of them.
Fuck. What did I sign myself up for exactly?
That shit is dangerous.

Though this made Morbin die and I was sooooo sad about this. I mourned the shit outta him. I miss his singing...

Okay I wasn't even attached to him as much as I should have been but *sobs*
Him singing to himself as he saves the Krogan race *continues sobbing* 

Now that I saved the krogan from a lot of death and pain, Wrex keeps sending me emails about how he'll enjoy making babies soooooo much. Yes, Wrex. I’m a human, I get it. Sex is enjoyable and frankly I don't need any details as to how your race pulls that off in the first place!

Thaneeeeeeeeee
Your scratchy voice, I missed you.

Why does no one believe me about the REAPERS~! COUNCILLLLLurwktag$^(#Yei3 *key board smashing*

DA FUQ!??!

I am just about ready to spaz out at EVERYONE in this game about REAPERRRRSSS. I'll end up looking like a deranged psycho by the end of this with all my renegade imma kill you allll options I'm suddenly lashing out with. 

Even more spaz worthy?

...what in the fuck in going on at the Citadel?

How in the- fucking Ceberus I knew it. I called that shit- 
MIRANDA! STAHP IT!!

Now I'm pissed. I legit got angry. NO ONE FUCKS WITH MY CITADEL (Apparently it's mine now. I'm getting spoiled with my free cab services )

Yes Liara. YES I AM.
SOMEONE LISTEN TO MEEEEE~

All I desire is:

Soooo...
Ceberus is attacking the Citadel by some insane crazy luck that they could pull something like that off...

These  assassins are freaking me out. Not only has Ceberus allegedly trained their army in the circus but my own monkey rolling skills can't seem to keep up with them? Shenanigans! On all grounds.

If anyone's gonna be a ninja, it's FemShep! (though she can barely climb up boxes) 

Garrus tends to get in my way when I'm shooting and then he blames ME for shooting at him?!
Garrus: Hey watch it!
FemShep: Garrus YOU not only tried to invade my personal crouching space, but then you proceed to stand right in front of me!

Totally thought Kai Leng was a deformed version of Miranda.
Initial Reaction: That BITCH see?! she betrayed me! ...she looks kinda funny.
Kai Leng:*speaks as manly as ever*
Me: That... bitch...?? umm...

Way wrong about that one

Speaking of Officer sweet cheeks herself, (who always has a wedgy) Miranda must be the most demanding/confusing character ever.

Miranda: Shepard I have to talk to you
FemShep: Okay, what is it?
Miranda: I hate my father, he captured my sister, omg I'm so sad, I need to go kill him now
FemShep: Alright, where to-
Miranda: No Shepard, I need to do this on my own... bye
FemShep: !?!?! ... (but I have an army!) 

Dafuq did you call me out here to meet you then!? Couldn't we have done this over the phone?Clearly (MaleShep fucks her here amirite?) 
She also slightly terrifies me with her inability to show facial expressions.

dammit FemShep shoot his ass... that fucker Kai no-likey trying to kill Crocodile Dundee My Lizard Friend  Thane?!

Udina upgraded to uber dickhead, didn't he? (Look up Udina in the dictionary and it will mean Dickhead.) 

Also: How... is Anderson still alive? Seriously... when I left teh Earth was just about to explode from Reaper devilspan...
So far he's doing a fine job staying alive... Is he sending off everyone else to fight around him.

...still mad at you for that.

Then I run into KAIKAI and what is he doing? DEFENDING THAT DICKHEAD?!? AJRHIET+$UIG

KAIDAN LOVER STAHP! DON'T SHOOT MEEEEE

I will not shoot you, lover, but please trust me for oooonnnccceeeee! Will SOMEONE listen to me dammit!? 

Look, I didn’t cheat on youuuuuu! See? Garrus is standing right here next to me and we are not groping each other! Jacob is DEAD. Suprisingly I'm not a lesbian! Especially with all this sweet ass around me, 

I am still all yours! sooooooo stahp. now.

Who am I gonna romance if you die? Garrus? 

Okay I totally would so I'll use this as a threat then. 

So I totally shot Udina. Not sorry whatsoever. 

yeah that's right SHEPARD SAVED YOU AGAIN COUNCIL...
awurhgriweugn43tn9 REAPERS!

screw you Miranda...

This is how C-sec works, just leave Udina dead on ground, well clean up later. No Problem? No problem!

*insert tears and sobbing* Thaaannnnnneeeee
I was like I WILL FIND DRELL BLOOD! I will search the galaxy and kill other drells...? sure. 

Thane's son sounds like a chain smokers... just sayin'.

I got shivers when I realized the poem, er sermon, er story? was for FemSheppy.
Tear.

I possibly have danced every single time when I went into purgatory? I mean me as in I get up and start dancing along with FemStep.
This is normal, it's okay.

And in true tradition of getting drunk at every bar... waking up next to Aria after drunkie time? dafuq... just happened?! 

KAIKAI comes with me yay!
FemShep checking out his butt remind you of anyone? *Cough*Me*Cough*Isaac Clarke*Cough*My time*Cough* (Youtube Don’t Play Like a Girl!)

but seriously, this shit always carries over huh? every. frinkin. game. (SHOW ME YOUR BUTT.) 



Everytime Hackett says "Hackett Out" I snickered. I have NO IDEA WHY.
Hack it out
Ha kit out
Hacki tout
...

Why is all this ranting and raving come so long after Mass Effect 3 came out?

Well…

I so played Mass Effect after it was popular...

Now that Ceberus is too "mainstream" we need to kill them all.
I'm completely fine with this. 

 

All the friendship stuff got me teary eyed. Now I have a love for Liara. We have the best Femance ever.

Also THIS:

Classic.

This made me want to have interspecies babies with him. Almost.

James comes up to my room and he doesn't take off his shirt for me? Shenanigans.
Do it right now. That's an order Pedro!

Traynor tried to get all lezzie on me... that was awkward. I didn't let her use my shower. 
She'd probably put a camera in there... it's bad enough she mostly likely reads all my e-mails...

So now we gotta go to some place and help Asari people not die. (not Thessia, before that) I'm okay with this, since Liara is mah sista from another mista. Er... I mean sista from another motha- er... how does this work again? 

Let's blow shit up- Samara?! More children Samara, really? Don't tell me you have to kill them- Uh- Okay... you want to save them. As long as these two don't try to kill me with sex... (Who am I kidding? Bow chicka bow wooow~ )

Again... so uber sexual. Everything she said.

No, you definitely have biotics mysterious sexual abilities magic...
I think it's her eyes as well, they dive into my soul and I just- can't- escape- gaaah~

Are those Asari Devilspan Banshee a fucking nightmare or what?! I have screamed out of legit fear as those things popped up next to me trying to molest me with their mind fuckery (thinking back to what Liara did to me in the first game...) 

I try to be brave...

Doesn't happen.

That shit is scary... let alone them being naked...
...wear a Jack "shirt" at least!

So because of the Kinect speech abilities, I have made the habit of setting down the controller while I talk out all my answers in conversation. Holy shit BAD MOVE.

Why?

While I had my lovely discussion with Samara and her crazed child, (seriously...uber sexual. not even funny) I find myself scrambling for the controller trying to save her from killing herself! All while I fall off my chair from a spaz attack!


Mother Fu- I saved her thankfully but DAMN you've never seen a person almost break their arm to push a trigger button...
I definitely sprained my finger.


Romancing Kaidan is now acceptable. I was worried for a while there... haha...
He's actually much sweeter than I thought he'd be however. He's certainly not a hardass like most men in this game... 
Totally written for the female players. (Yet it's totally okay FemShep sits like a man...??)

Clearly FemShep is the man of the relationship 

It's shocking when this man turns down sprinting back to the Normandy for *insert anything sexual here* and instead wants a nice calm lunch date.

I mean, okay fine, but if I was him I'd be all like


bow chicka bow wow.


Tali Tali Tali TALI!
*calm down* 
Did I mention I love her?
Seriously I fangirl over her more than anyone else in this series haha...

So we're going to Tali's home planet to help her. Cool. I'll do anything to help her get her house. She deserves a house... and the ability to do normal species things. (How does she, I don't know, shower? use the bathroom? smell things? link suits with another? how can you even romance her? 

...how do these things work?)

Anywho-

...I'm creeped out that Legion can talk... still.
Even though I totally worked with Legion before, I don't trust him. I feel a bit bad not trusting him- er it- they... this is confusing... but since he is a we, that's concerning.

however all I care about is destroying the reapers that have REAPED my nightmares for too long-

Fucking Legion STILL hooked up to the Reapers he says?!!?

Is this a happy face you see Legion?



NO!
Yet FemSheppy's like "lol it's okay you're a robot! Here’s a gun, come fight with me again!"


Keelah Selai = By the home world I hope to see someday
...My translator magic device couldn't do that, huh? What selective choices it makes in translation (reminds me of a certain game I'm playing) 
Betcha this magic device fucks up any Japanese translation it hears... 'itadakimasu' ??

Not... not another Reaper... not another-



Oh that's great... another fucking Reaper upclose and in my face about the lazer face me to death. Awesome.
Oh yeah, this is a great day for FemShep....

So we killed it, somehow- oh no lols that thing didn't die... fan-FUCKING-tastic.


So FemShep goes: "yeah Imma go kill it with my bare fists... all by myself... no one help me!"
Everyone else goes: "tee hee hee! have fun!"

I haven't rolled this much since I started the game and I didn't know how to even roll properly... Spider. Monkey. I can't even-

Didn't I say I never wanted to fight one this head on ever again?!

These are the times I think, there is no option but death here.
Now think of me... 
okay, now think of me panicking... 
good, now think of me when I want to Fear Quit in Dead Space...
That. That was my state of being during this. While rolling.

Okay. So it's finally dead- nope it's speaking to me now... 
WTF. How is it's 'voice' not blowing out my eardrums, btw. 

I wanted to throw rocks at it, but noooo that's not an option.
Instead I yelled aggressively at it for a few minutes...

This is totally the Matrix right now, right? The machines wanna harvest us and control us... yup.Matrix. The whole trilogy. I'm convinced.
I think I know what's gonna happen in the ending now (if I follow the Matrix plotline) 

okay... NOW IS IT DEAD?!

Thank you.

Tali: We killed a Reaper! Keelah!
FemShep: No I KILLED THE THING... no one else helped me. You all pointed and laughed as I rolled around trying not to get my body exploded by lazer... Fuck you guys... 


I actually saved the Geth... why? I have NO IDEA. I had ridiculous second thoughts about this. 
However, I also talked them out of war.... how? I have NO IDEA.
I am a god. (Or so I believe) I did it the nice way too, not the mean way....

Since you know "let's all be friends~"
No matter I'm completely messing with a 300 year old war/grudge with my human nonsense talk. No biggie.

Oh... bye Legion...

I wasn't sad... to be fair. I was kinda like... "oh did you just die???"
Only after when EDI said he said "I" referring to his individual self and I was like FEELINGS~ now I feel terrible for laughing at your death *sobs*

(Think of Aang as Tali here.)

Funny how I killed every geth in the first game, every geth unit but Legion in the last game, but this one I was like oooh but they have a soul now weeee~ I love robots!!

...So now what do I do-?

Miranda. STAHP CONTACTING ME. I don't wanna talk to you.

Fun time with the crew?

Oh baby. I need to point out that James FINALLY has his shirt off for me... hawt damn...
and he's all flustered and shit when I flirt with him. Big softie.
Boss Woman likey.

What's coming next?
Thessia!

Question: Who do you think has the best voice acting to character in this game, like who’s your favorite? 
I have a few… of course one being Tali because Sheppurrd. Samara being next because uber smexual! I love FemShep and Kaidan together as voice acting, does that count? And Aria because CARRIE ANNE MOSS (AKA Trinity) I LOVE YOUUUUU

*ahem*

So Thessia?


Those banshee man... I can't even...

Helping Liara- I like how we talk about Benezia like we didn't kill her... awkward.

So I like the Asari and I don't want their home planet to go to Reaper shit like mine currently is...(Again... how is Anderson still alive?) 

Please don't make me fight a reaper with my bare hands again.

The Church (AKA Puzzle station) we end up at has a bunch of dead people in it and my every growing thin patience. I just want the Catalyst GAH! 
I want to kill everyone and make the reapers stop- oh I'm dreaming now. Beacons.

So bug man

??
Not what I was expecting...

oh and who fucking shows up. The Holographic Dickhead Illusive Man and Kai-no-likey... (AKA dickhead elevenity billion....) 

Seriously the Illusive man is nuts right? RIGHT? 

He talks in some language that isn't translated by my magic device... (Insanity) 

FemShep: "I might have believed you once, but you've gone too far!" 
Correction I NEVER believed him and I never got the option to say such... ARGH.

One of these days...

 Miranda KAI-NO-LIKEY STAHP!!!


Did I just fail my mission?
Did I...
What the fuck is going on?

This game did something to me. It made me feel really bad for decisions I couldn't control. Like all of Thessia going up in smoke. Holy hell. I literally went to Liara a bazillion times, just standing in front of her and going, I am soooooo sorry. I soooo wanted to hug her but nooo hardass FemShep is a cold bitch.

Chilled Shenanigans.

Then when I thought about it, I shouted at the game saying "Mass Effect! How dare you make me feel so guilty!"
Feelings man...

I was super pissed/upset/FEELINGS and I kinda took it out on Joker... and then he gave me a good kick in the ass huh? Made me feel WORSE.

Miranda MASS EFFECT STAHP IT.
I AM STRESSED JOKER!
AAAHHHHHHGAHFIEHG *headdesk*

*breathe*

So now I have to help Kai-no-Likey Miranda?

I was convinced throughout this whole game that the Illusive Man was Miranda's father, like I had NO DOUBT
...until now. When I meet him.
Dammit.



Miranda: I can't do anything NOW please help me
FemShep: Fine...
Miranda: Nevermind I kill him, didn't need you 
FemShep: *fumes*

So Sheppy thought she wasn’t brain dead? …Really?

Joker’s like "you died… in space. I saw you." and FemShep is like "lols it’s okay I was only unconscious!" 

Kaidan: you’re still my FemSheppy *loving gaze* 
FemShep: *ignoring you*

So we make it to Dickhead yeah, Dickhead’s chair, where he sat and smoked and hurt my feelings often.
Let's fuck this place up!
Illusive Man: Ceberus is an idea.
FemShep: Yeah... a bad one.

Also this:


The Catalyst is the Citadel DAFUQ?! How can- but- I- wait what?!

Hold on... how did no one figure any of this out... ever? And HOW MUCH TIME did we just waste?
Wait...
Wait...
...what?

Miranda Illusive Man~! I hate youuuuu stop fucking up my liiiifffeee
Of course they're bringing it to earth...
Of course we're all going to die...
Well. Shit.
Shit just got real- Kai-no-Likey shows up again. 

Fucked him up good.

....and may I ask what the purpose of him really was? To annoy me?

I can sure drink to that...


So I found Tali and Garrus making out err together??? They hated each other and then I found them fondling each other? Say whaaat?



Back to Romancing Kaidan. Hot... Dayum.
I am completely okay with THIS fine man.
(I still love Isaac Clarke more, don't worry!) 

Here for a quick drink my ass Kaidan...

but his... creepy stare omg I burst out laughing... 

...was that supposed to be your rapeface Kaidan?!
I can't even-

But yes... very hot. Me likey. 

(You're welcome for that gif.) 


Also... that last dream was mighty creepy. Not only for the crazed sweet nothings being whispered into my ears, but then the other FemSheppy I can't ... gaaahhh *hold me*

So I meet with Hackett face to face finally
I pretty much got everyone together ever in this game sooo I should be okay. (Or so I thought) 

Instead of of course we go to Citadel now... it's the Citadel can… move?

Why haven’t we moved this shit earlier to keep it away from the creeper Reapers, huh?

Did the Citadel turn into a giant pointy dick?
Okay just checking.

So we go up a beam... oh yeah this plan has a great change for success right (sarcasm) 
AKA everyone's gonna die...

Hackett: Good luck to all of us
FemShep: We seriously need more than luck, possibly a better plan... is it too late to do something about this?
Hackett: Hackett it out
FemShep: *snicker*

FTW, I love how all the ships are shooting at the Reapers who are right in front of earth... any missed shot and BOOM more damage to earth.


I'm beginning to believe Earth just isn't worth it at this point... All the aliens are like "these humans realize this right? Okay then fire away~"


...

So here’s a preview of how I feel about the Mass Effect 3 ending:


So the ending...

I need to talk about it, right? Things need to be said and my tears need to wiped. 
Someone take the pain awaaaaayyyyy~


I did not play with the extended cut for the sheer reason of (I forgot to download it) that I wanted the full experience of why everyone was sooooo pissed off haha...

First of all... 
London looks like a complete shithole, but one thing that's not destroyed? Those red phones booths... 
EA's like "What do we know about England? Phonebooths."
Seriously the WHOLE town is in rumble but those damn phonebooths are in tacked. 

Let's take it from "the goodbyes" before the final assault. 

This is where the game first got me to shed a few tears. Oh my goodness, Kaidan's goodbye was like a "noooooo whyyyyyy" 
*brb in corner sobbing* 

I think this part ripped me to pieces for two reasons. One, that's he's all geniune and heartfelt and LOVE. Two, FemShep is too much of a hardass here and that drives me crazy.

I get that I have a mission. I get it, it's a very important one. HOWEVER... the man you supposedly love is standing right in front of you, bearing his soul, and you barely say a word? 

Come on, I'm a woman, and a professional badass 95% of the time (the 5% is for times I am terrified in Dead Space... maybe that percent should be higher...) , but as a woman in love, that much of a cold shoulder wouldn't happen. Seriously. Shenanigans.

Who writes all the romance stuff for EA? They are in a severe need of a woman's touch.

Garrus, Liara, and Tali, I was like stop making me saaaadddd we will live!!! 

Garrus' especially I was like PLEASE LET ME HUG YOOUUUU

Truly well done. I enjoyed that about this game, the friendship aspect of your teammates. 

The whole getting that missle to fire last bit was awful with all those banshee and brutes... holy hell
be so proud of me, I did not die! Screamed bloody murder from the banshees but...
especially that last bit, they said it was ready and I had to run through like 10 banshee to get to the missle truck.
I am a WIZARD!

Now let's go to "the final run" 

One, I dodged that fucking beam and that reaper can kiss my perfectly toned Shep ass. 
Also... where did my crew go? I definitely assumed, death, thus a few tears happened. (Kept thinking why did I bring Kaidan along now he's dead WAAAHHHHH) 


(I honestly believe this)

I get up to the Citadel as a bloody fucking mess, and not a hot mess either, wondering

Can I just grab the keeper at the end and shout “TALK TO MEEEEE” to it please?

Find Anderson (which how the f- I don't even care.), who I thought was the Illusive Man at first and I tried to shoot him... Yup. (That's how much I want the Illusive Man dead huh?) 

Of all the people to follow me up to the Citadel in a bloody mess it’s Anderson? Really? I’m pretty sure Garrus was like "fuck you Shepard I’m following you to your GRAVE" 

Then I was like "oh safe, he's not here-" j/k the Illusive Man is, of course, there and makes me shoot Anderson. What a dickhead. 

So the Illusive Man is controlling me.

First off HOW and Second Fuck you

Who's gonna pop up next Romney's son??

Mitt Romney Martin Sheen Illusive Man gets all whiny, again, saying I don't get it, blah blah blah- control control matrix machines Reapers control.

Now I'm thinking. No way, Imma get all Neo on this guy...


So I shoot him. I've been waiting 2 full games to do that.

Now here's where the utter mind fuck begins:

I'm bleeding and dying.

Something not ladylike, FemShep puts her hand right on her invisible ding dong as she sits down next to Anderson.

Ah femininity!
They send a woman to do a man's job, huh?
still bleeding...

Anderson dies on me, after calling a 35 year old a child ("you did good child"), which, who am I kidding, I start bawling, thinking I need to join the Navy now because his voice is haunting me from those commercials!!

Not only is FemShep bleeding enough blood to donate to the red cross, but now this Crucible bullshit isn't firing. Fuck.

What does she do? Makes the the panel, goes "I can't- agaahffgaahh-" and collapses.

I think dead. Dead. This is why everyone is pissed off at Bioware, because they make her die on a platform and the whole galaxy is destroyed. No happiness ever. Nerd Rage. Imma kill everyone who worked on this game...

I was incorrect (thankfully...???) . Instead The Matrix I'm facing the illusion of that child I let die... who talks to me for a good 5 minutes telling me I have another fucking hardcore decision to make.HARDCORE.

FYI: Totally forgot to show you guys my FemSheppy

I think she's pwetty. Tried to make her look like me... Failed.


So 3 choices, Control, Destroy, or Synthesis (which by that time I wasn't even paying attention to what Synthesis was, I was too busy wondering why the hell I am in Inception right now.)


The child tells me, either way I will die. (which I'm like oh philosophy, there never was any decisions to make to help my chances, as a human I will just die and nothing matters, none of my choices ever mattered... fuck I'm sad.) 

They give me back the controls, and what do I do? I turn right to child and say "fuck. you. I don't wanna die." 

I then give a good hard stare at the three choices. 
Not because I was undecided. 
No. I knew before that kid started talking, I was going to destory those fucking reapers. By this point, passed all 3 games, they cooked me long enough to the boiling point of no return.

I wanted all machines dead, just like in the Matrix, I didn't need that shit anymore!
(except no way in hell am I actually doing the Matrix Revolutions ending... fuck no, I'm not jesus.) 

I took a good long stare because I was wondering about the colors; 
was I being renegade? I thought destroying them would be paragon... but then I realized. Fuck it. Imma kill you bastards anyway. It's my hot body I do what I want... I'm FemShep mother fucker.


Felt a tiny bit sorry for saving all those damn geth and going OOPS YOU DEAD. Don’t care. 
EDI as well, oopsies, sorry Joker. 

That song at the end, the piano one An End Once and For All... oh my goodness, 

I can't even. made me bawwwwwlllll.... . 

If you listen to that song the whole way through it is a perfect reflection to the game: all of it is so beautiful and the end is like BLAHFRNDJEJC!! (I can play it on the piano now!)

So I killed The Reapers, The Geth, EDI, C3PO, R2D2, Glados, a bunch of transformers, WallE, the Bicentennial Man (just to name a few?)
Eh …I can live with that.

It’s fine, The Matrix has already taught me never to trust machines ever, because they WILL fuck you over eventually. (Literally for Joker?) 
I wasn't gonna let that happen.

Then the "ending" 
Nothing.


I want to know what haaapppppeeeennnned to the galaxy! Yeah my crew lived, I guess? thankfully. Got to see good ol' Kaidan but... 
Whhaaaaaaaaattt?!?!?

Now I get why people are pissed. 
It was so... rushed. 

No real thought put into any sort of differences. It wasn't really thorough, like the rest of the series was. 3 shit options and the closure wasn't there. Most of choices didn't seem to matter... 


I'm honestly like my mind is full of fuck... so many holes and not making sense events...


the whole, lols none of your choices matter is honestly first a really horrifically bad ending, but also a actual humane/philosophical shit ending in regards to being a human which is DEPRESSING AS FUUUCK
I made so many good choices and it didn't matter *sobs*

The secret ending is like a WTF? why even add that?!? (which trivia: Buzz Aldrin was the man speaking at the end with the child! Hazzah! That filled my heart with joy for a whole 5 fucking seconds than rage settled in once again )

I just... I can't... I...


Plus the point from the beginning to kill those fucking reapers and I did it. I DID IT~! Let me liiiive!
I'm not selfish (okay I'm totally being selfish) in wanting poor Sheppy to live, but I feel tenfold worse for Kaidan, especially after his "I can't lose you again" *sobs* I mean come ooooonnn that's too sad!
He's gonna need some severe counseling... 

Synthesia seemed to be a bit selfish. Change everyone's DNA (Radiation Poisoning perhaps?) HAZZAH! How the fuck does that even work? 


Control I was just like no. Nope. No way. A few years down the road that'll somehow turn to shit and a new war will break out. Plus I hated the Illusive Man, no way would I follow that psycho

I just- WHAT?!

Mass Eventual letdown?
Cool.

I want this
Rainbows included.

It does leave ya feeling a bit empty in my honest opinion. Much like how I felt when the Matrix ended. Give it, I should have KNOWN Mass Effect was gonna go down that road... I just should have known, it paralleled pretty well... except it's aliens in space

[End of Ridiculously Long Mass Effect 3 Rant]