[Insert
Obligatory Rant about Mass Effect
2]
(Possible Spoilers?)
Continuing my Confessions of a Gamer series…
Again, FemShep not sitting like a lady is actually kinda hilarious. I get that she’s a war hero and all but REALLY?! She does not have a ding dong! She should not have to sit like she has one!
...I know that while talking with Miranda, even ladies get a boner, but REALLY?!
I am super glad the Mako is gone forever HOWEVER, this scanning business is driving me nuts.
Also totally probed Uranus by accident. lols. I am proud of myself for finding that one.
Another FemShep not being lady like:
I punched that reporter lady.
Punched a bunch of people actually and head butted one. Killed some people, possibly by accident, possibly because I never wanted them to talk to me again…
Yet I’m a nice FemShep in my playthrough haha…
My slogan of “I want to be friends with EVERYONE” allegedly only applies to my crewmates. Everyone else can die.
I endorsed every shop of the Citadel... how do I not have a lawsuit on my hands… or an angry shopkeeper at my throat? How has no one even noticed that?
I believe I have used Garrus and Tali on my team mostly because I missed my old team.
Jacob is too gungho.
Miranda scares me. (in a strange aggressively sexual way)
Jack is batshit crazy (who am I kidding I LOVE this chick).
Samara = boobies.
(who, by the way, gets in my way literally every time I use her! I’ve been trapped between things solely because of her! It’s JUST her.) Using that boobie powers to block my way?
Mordin sings.
Thane is… so quiet.
Grunt I’m so afraid he’ll try to kill everyone on the ship. I literally went to check on him just to make sure he hasn't killed anyone of my crewmembers…
Legion is screwing my brain with all his computer talk. “We are Geth.” Alright pal, I get it, please, oh pretty please, don’t betray me! (I freaked out bringing this guy on my ship btw.)
Joker calls EDI mom. I bet you all the moneys that he will try to jump on the Normandy and dry hump her. What horribly creepy incest that is…
Surprisingly I didn’t try to bang anyone in this game… though with Samara I was tempted that she- er- man- shemale- er, what? Whatever… she’s uber sexual without even trying and I like her for some insane reason. I was also tempted with Garrus because he’s a badass and certainly made a bold attempt at seduction.
I also love Tali. Which I’ve established already.
...Did I mention Miranda scares me with her aggressive sexual behavior?
Yay FemShep
So. Mass Effect 2.
My initial reactions to all the characters when I first see them (since there are a shit ton you interact with)
Opening: What. In. The- this is a mind fuck. An utter mindfuck.
What is going ooooonnnn?
Seriously, how can you start a game by killing off the main character?
Then, lols, skip 2 years for the hell of it. It's Mass Effect 2, get it? GET IT?!
FemShep: Why the FUCK don’t you ask any questions that I want you to ask!? Anything seriously… and go contact KAIDAN (I mean all your crew members) . Seriously, an e-mail perhaps? Saying ‘hey, I’m alive’, maybe? Honestly…
Allegedly her sense of reasoning died off when they rebuilt her huh?
Not only does her not asking anything logical questions make any sort of sense but... whyyyyyyyyy
As a War Hero, you'd think she'd have a little bit more reasoning left in here, but noooo that got hit by an asteroid and exploded into space along with the rest of her hopes and dreams, huh?
Also Femshep never sits like a lady... ever.
Jacob: He seems pretty loyal... (I don’t trust him.)
Miranda: One CRAY bitch... (I like her.) I don’t trust her however.
Also
I mean damn she's fine. A bit jelly of her booty.
And hold on… you have a British accent. Why are you the FIRST person I’ve met like this? Why isn’t my ‘universal translator AKA magic device’ not translating your funny British English phrases into American English, huh?
Since there's clearly a linguistic magic device attached to the language magic device right? (Honestly if an American and British person meet and its the first time an American is meeting a British person, guess what? The American will barely understand you. I hold this opinion from experience hahah)
Not to mention the RANDOM Irish man on my crew?
AGAIN WITH THOSE SHENANIGANS?! See? I told you it's a plothole god dammit! Cultural awareness..
Illusive Man: You MUST be kidding… why the hell would I follow your orders? Oh I have no choice because FemShep doesn’t ask reasonable questions, huh? What, is she turning into Isaac Clarke from Dead Space?! It’s very clear from the get go that I shouldn't trust this guy. Let alone his glowing eyeballs… that freak me out.
Joker: I loooooove you.
EDI: No. I can tell I’m going to ignore you for the rest of the game.
My assistant lady Kelly: What the- I mean, yeah I'm (Femshep) really important, but do I need an assistant shouting at me everytime I have a new message? …Okay maybe I do.
Garrus: Well you just upped 100 points on my awesome meter. Except will you fucking talk to me and STOP DOING CALIBRATIONS!
Also this?!
Tali: I thought I loved your voice in the first game, I love you more now~ You are sooo adorable! …get off the computer. I want to talk to you!
Jack: Holy shit. No, she’s the REAL cray bitch. Mother. Fucker. I thought you were gonna be a dude… How do you not expose your breast when you move around. Seriously HOW?! …I’m still waiting for someone to answer this for me.
That's defying logic... and gravity.
Samara: Holy boobies- I mean, you are oddly sexual in everything you do… Boobies.
Mordin: On Crack. Scientific super crack that he probably makes himself in that little lab I gave him access to...
Grunt: I was terrified of you at first, but now you’re starting to be adorable… is that weird? You still really wanna kill something and that’s a bit concerning…
Thane: Are you… are you a lizard? A reptile alien? …You’re green. Your eyes freak me out. You're too nice to be an assassin...
Legion: I... wait... what? But how... There's a plotHOLE in here somewhere...
Liara: …What… are you doing? How the hell did you become this much of a mafia boss in 2 years? BTW are you the only Asari with eyebrows?
Wrex: I like that you called me friend! I’m glad we didn’t kill each other! I knew if I thought ‘I will be your friend’ it would happen on day! I’m not afraid of you anymore, yay!
Council: Dickheads.
Udina: Dickhead.
Anderson: Dude… go gain more power in the council please… Don’t make me regret giving you that position!
I finally understand this meme:
proud of myself.
Legit saw that meme everywhere and I didn't get it~
WHERE IS MY KAIKAI!? (Kaidan) Come back to meeeeeeee!
(The interaction with Kaidan doesn't make any sense. Bad call Bioware. You did romance wrong in this game. You better fix this shit in the next game.)
*Romance Raging*
I read somewhere that Shepard is like a cross between Han Solo, Neo, and Jesus. Does that make FemShep a cross between Lara Croft, Samus, and Hilary Clinton?
Seriously, no one was remotely surprised I was alive. At least Wrex was happy! Tali was like say what? Garrus was like cool. Kaidan was like …”I don’t know you, but I’m explaining who you are to this man next to me… let’s hug”. *hugs*.
Ashley’s dead. Not even sorry.
Ashley: I hate aliens skipper.
FemShep: ...This is why you die.
Bioware’s smile program is… creepy. Everyone looks creepy when they toothy smile. STAHP IT.
Quick note: I died waaay less in this game. (Let’s say ME1 was ridiculous haha). However, I had to keep in cover all the god damn time to let my gun cool down and that was annoying. Totally different from how I played in ME1.
Normandy: So THIS place got an upgrade… and more floors… but holy hell, EDI explaining to me what every part of the ship is…
What’s this area? A fucking lab, FemShep, it says lab on the damn door and there sciency stuff everywhere.
Okay, what’s this area? Clearly the medbay, only a doctor and a bunch of medicine bottles reside in this room.
Okay, what’s this- YOUR ROOM TO SEX PEOPLE IN!
The Citadel: So thankful they made this place easier for me to get around. I literally spent 10 hours getting lost in the Citadel because I NEVER knew where I was going…
Ever.
I talked to the damn receptionist 11 times because I couldn’t figure out how to LEAVE.
Again, KaiKai, why are you mad at me? I was in a coma for 2 years!? I cannot e-mail during those times. (Okay yes I could of when I woke up… however Femshep said “Nope. Imma be with Ceberus now. No questions asked.” This makes total sense… ) Then Kaidan turns into the female of the relationship and whines about loving me and being like you’ve changed! I don’t know you anymore…
My initial reactions to all the characters when I first see them (since there are a shit ton you interact with)
Opening: What. In. The- this is a mind fuck. An utter mindfuck.
What is going ooooonnnn?
Seriously, how can you start a game by killing off the main character?
Then, lols, skip 2 years for the hell of it. It's Mass Effect 2, get it? GET IT?!
FemShep: Why the FUCK don’t you ask any questions that I want you to ask!? Anything seriously… and go contact KAIDAN (I mean all your crew members) . Seriously, an e-mail perhaps? Saying ‘hey, I’m alive’, maybe? Honestly…
Allegedly her sense of reasoning died off when they rebuilt her huh?
Not only does her not asking anything logical questions make any sort of sense but... whyyyyyyyyy
As a War Hero, you'd think she'd have a little bit more reasoning left in here, but noooo that got hit by an asteroid and exploded into space along with the rest of her hopes and dreams, huh?
Also Femshep never sits like a lady... ever.
Jacob: He seems pretty loyal... (I don’t trust him.)
Miranda: One CRAY bitch... (I like her.) I don’t trust her however.
Also
I mean damn she's fine. A bit jelly of her booty.
And hold on… you have a British accent. Why are you the FIRST person I’ve met like this? Why isn’t my ‘universal translator AKA magic device’ not translating your funny British English phrases into American English, huh?
Since there's clearly a linguistic magic device attached to the language magic device right? (Honestly if an American and British person meet and its the first time an American is meeting a British person, guess what? The American will barely understand you. I hold this opinion from experience hahah)
Not to mention the RANDOM Irish man on my crew?
AGAIN WITH THOSE SHENANIGANS?! See? I told you it's a plothole god dammit! Cultural awareness..
Illusive Man: You MUST be kidding… why the hell would I follow your orders? Oh I have no choice because FemShep doesn’t ask reasonable questions, huh? What, is she turning into Isaac Clarke from Dead Space?! It’s very clear from the get go that I shouldn't trust this guy. Let alone his glowing eyeballs… that freak me out.
Joker: I loooooove you.
EDI: No. I can tell I’m going to ignore you for the rest of the game.
My assistant lady Kelly: What the- I mean, yeah I'm (Femshep) really important, but do I need an assistant shouting at me everytime I have a new message? …Okay maybe I do.
Garrus: Well you just upped 100 points on my awesome meter. Except will you fucking talk to me and STOP DOING CALIBRATIONS!
Also this?!
Tali: I thought I loved your voice in the first game, I love you more now~ You are sooo adorable! …get off the computer. I want to talk to you!
Jack: Holy shit. No, she’s the REAL cray bitch. Mother. Fucker. I thought you were gonna be a dude… How do you not expose your breast when you move around. Seriously HOW?! …I’m still waiting for someone to answer this for me.
That's defying logic... and gravity.
Samara: Holy boobies- I mean, you are oddly sexual in everything you do… Boobies.
Mordin: On Crack. Scientific super crack that he probably makes himself in that little lab I gave him access to...
Grunt: I was terrified of you at first, but now you’re starting to be adorable… is that weird? You still really wanna kill something and that’s a bit concerning…
Thane: Are you… are you a lizard? A reptile alien? …You’re green. Your eyes freak me out. You're too nice to be an assassin...
Legion: I... wait... what? But how... There's a plotHOLE in here somewhere...
Liara: …What… are you doing? How the hell did you become this much of a mafia boss in 2 years? BTW are you the only Asari with eyebrows?
Wrex: I like that you called me friend! I’m glad we didn’t kill each other! I knew if I thought ‘I will be your friend’ it would happen on day! I’m not afraid of you anymore, yay!
Council: Dickheads.
Udina: Dickhead.
Anderson: Dude… go gain more power in the council please… Don’t make me regret giving you that position!
I finally understand this meme:
proud of myself.
Legit saw that meme everywhere and I didn't get it~
WHERE IS MY KAIKAI!? (Kaidan) Come back to meeeeeeee!
(The interaction with Kaidan doesn't make any sense. Bad call Bioware. You did romance wrong in this game. You better fix this shit in the next game.)
*Romance Raging*
I read somewhere that Shepard is like a cross between Han Solo, Neo, and Jesus. Does that make FemShep a cross between Lara Croft, Samus, and Hilary Clinton?
Seriously, no one was remotely surprised I was alive. At least Wrex was happy! Tali was like say what? Garrus was like cool. Kaidan was like …”I don’t know you, but I’m explaining who you are to this man next to me… let’s hug”. *hugs*.
Ashley’s dead. Not even sorry.
Ashley: I hate aliens skipper.
FemShep: ...This is why you die.
Bioware’s smile program is… creepy. Everyone looks creepy when they toothy smile. STAHP IT.
Quick note: I died waaay less in this game. (Let’s say ME1 was ridiculous haha). However, I had to keep in cover all the god damn time to let my gun cool down and that was annoying. Totally different from how I played in ME1.
Normandy: So THIS place got an upgrade… and more floors… but holy hell, EDI explaining to me what every part of the ship is…
What’s this area? A fucking lab, FemShep, it says lab on the damn door and there sciency stuff everywhere.
Okay, what’s this area? Clearly the medbay, only a doctor and a bunch of medicine bottles reside in this room.
Okay, what’s this- YOUR ROOM TO SEX PEOPLE IN!
The Citadel: So thankful they made this place easier for me to get around. I literally spent 10 hours getting lost in the Citadel because I NEVER knew where I was going…
Ever.
I talked to the damn receptionist 11 times because I couldn’t figure out how to LEAVE.
Again, KaiKai, why are you mad at me? I was in a coma for 2 years!? I cannot e-mail during those times. (Okay yes I could of when I woke up… however Femshep said “Nope. Imma be with Ceberus now. No questions asked.” This makes total sense… ) Then Kaidan turns into the female of the relationship and whines about loving me and being like you’ve changed! I don’t know you anymore…
@#%^@$^!?! WHAT?!
Regardless:
Again, FemShep not sitting like a lady is actually kinda hilarious. I get that she’s a war hero and all but REALLY?! She does not have a ding dong! She should not have to sit like she has one!
...I know that while talking with Miranda, even ladies get a boner, but REALLY?!
I am super glad the Mako is gone forever HOWEVER, this scanning business is driving me nuts.
Also totally probed Uranus by accident. lols. I am proud of myself for finding that one.
Another FemShep not being lady like:
I punched that reporter lady.
Punched a bunch of people actually and head butted one. Killed some people, possibly by accident, possibly because I never wanted them to talk to me again…
Yet I’m a nice FemShep in my playthrough haha…
My slogan of “I want to be friends with EVERYONE” allegedly only applies to my crewmates. Everyone else can die.
I endorsed every shop of the Citadel... how do I not have a lawsuit on my hands… or an angry shopkeeper at my throat? How has no one even noticed that?
I believe I have used Garrus and Tali on my team mostly because I missed my old team.
Jacob is too gungho.
Miranda scares me. (in a strange aggressively sexual way)
Jack is batshit crazy (who am I kidding I LOVE this chick).
Samara = boobies.
(who, by the way, gets in my way literally every time I use her! I’ve been trapped between things solely because of her! It’s JUST her.) Using that boobie powers to block my way?
Mordin sings.
Thane is… so quiet.
Grunt I’m so afraid he’ll try to kill everyone on the ship. I literally went to check on him just to make sure he hasn't killed anyone of my crewmembers…
Legion is screwing my brain with all his computer talk. “We are Geth.” Alright pal, I get it, please, oh pretty please, don’t betray me! (I freaked out bringing this guy on my ship btw.)
Joker calls EDI mom. I bet you all the moneys that he will try to jump on the Normandy and dry hump her. What horribly creepy incest that is…
Surprisingly I didn’t try to bang anyone in this game… though with Samara I was tempted that she- er- man- shemale- er, what? Whatever… she’s uber sexual without even trying and I like her for some insane reason. I was also tempted with Garrus because he’s a badass and certainly made a bold attempt at seduction.
I also love Tali. Which I’ve established already.
...Did I mention Miranda scares me with her aggressive sexual behavior?
Yay FemShep
So ending fight
Who died, right? That’s what you’re wondering, I can tell…
Well holy fuckballs guys, didn’t realize this
game was gonna be a “let’s try to make you cry as much as possible... then
use those tears and kill you with them.”
First off, totally killed Jacob …
This was literally the one person I was okay
with dying… haha…
I felt so fucking bad, but hey, he volunteered
and I obliged to his volunteering! So it was his own damn fault. He did his
job… he just got shot in the face afterwards. Hilarious how no one even cared.
After that moment however I was horrified to assign anyone to do something for
me. The anxiety that created
for me!
FemShep: Garrus I'm letting you be team leader
Garrus: Alright...
FemShep: Please... please d-don't die on me. I already had one scare with you... I can't- I can't have another!
FemShep: Garrus I'm letting you be team leader
Garrus: Alright...
FemShep: Please... please d-don't die on me. I already had one scare with you... I can't- I can't have another!
I let half the crew die as well. Mother fucker.
I was coming to save you people god dammit! Not even mad that you died, more upset
that I took the time to almost get my teammates killed to only save some of you... when all y'all do is sit by
a damn console and pretend to push buttons the whole time! What do I even pay you people for?!
EVERYONE ELSE LIVED! FUCK YESSSS~
So what is that for me?
And btw… did I just fight a giant terminator?
Now
when making my decisions to pick people and all, my first reaction to
everything was: Tali you are coming with me because if you die I will cry
FOREVER. (Did I mention I love her?)
Also Garrus as well, pretty much a you + me = let’s mind fuck (so I can stay loyal to Kaidan?)
Because Kaidan’s picture was haunting me in my rooooommmm~ That Bastard! *love*
So I was mad happy with this game. Loved it. Soooo much better than the first one and I can official say I'm hooked on Mass Effect now!
I was surprised at just how many decisions you had that affected your outcome at the end... (Glad I unknowingly upgraded my ship as well)
Now for subtle ? things I noticed during game play that I previously left out:
Also Garrus as well, pretty much a you + me = let’s mind fuck (so I can stay loyal to Kaidan?)
Because Kaidan’s picture was haunting me in my rooooommmm~ That Bastard! *love*
So I was mad happy with this game. Loved it. Soooo much better than the first one and I can official say I'm hooked on Mass Effect now!
I was surprised at just how many decisions you had that affected your outcome at the end... (Glad I unknowingly upgraded my ship as well)
Now for subtle ? things I noticed during game play that I previously left out:
So.. Asari. Do they have… vaginas? They aren’t male or female they say but… Surprisingly this is a serious question! How can they pregnant each other? Liara said she was a pure one yeah? Do they just have mind sex and then suddenly BABY?!
that being said... why are all the aliens men, huh? Seriously, where are the female Salarians, Turians, Krogans, (insert other alien races here)…??? No way humans are the advanced ones with this gender equality business in the whole galaxy.
Thank you Quarians for being female badasses AKA Tali I looooove you.
One comment I forgot to mention.
Seeing Garrus again after 2 years was hilarious. Not only this:
...but the fact that Femshep stands there completely silent, until you choose your option, then spastically throws her arms out wide and shouts "GARRUS!" as loudly as possible to him. (I loled waaaay to hard at that scene)
Totally worth it.
Happy Mass Effect 3 for me~ continuing the saga~
Now I get to find out why everyone hated the ending... uh oh...
[End of Obligatory Rant about Mass Effect 2]
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