So as all Americans, hell the whole world, know there was an Election... an important one that left the country divided and hating each other based on which side you were on.
Red vs Blue.
I wrote several special rants on politics, which I shall share with you now. As both humorous and semi-informative, I give you...
Julie's Political Musings
Election Results:
So If you haven't heard yet... Obama was re-elected. That being said, Imma talk about it!But Julie! The elections over! There's nothing more to talk about!
I know! I'm going rogue! Class is in session, pay attention! ...So I didn't vote!
But Julie! You talk so much about politics! How could you not vote?
I know! I told you, I'm going rogue! Fuck the system!
Shocked? You shouldn't be. I've made fun of these two from the beginning, both of them are smucks. I'd put down Hilary Clinton if anyone, why? Because she's a woman and because she's not running. Oh there's a "none of these candidates!" option? Oh Riiiight, that's the one where you take your ballot, chew it up, swallow it, wait to shit it out- oh the President was already chosen? Cool. Senate? House? Oh, most of them are old white guys? How shocking! Hmm now which name do I like the best... Let's face it, most people chose by who has the best commercial pointing out the worse qualities in the other candidate! Yaaaay
Politicians:"I like power and I will drink your tears for energy!" Most people are too busy watching honey boo boo to pay enough attention.
Tactics and manipulation. That's all it is, they even ADMIT this publicly and people still think "oh he'll change the fate of our country! I believe!" Bullshit. Believe in the fact that the world is laughing at how we can't make a concrete decision of utmost importance without pissing off literally half the god damn country!
(If you don't live in Ohio, why bother right? Since that's all anyone ever talked about. Jersey was like "umm lol hurricane?")
No matter what would have happened in this election, at least half of America is now moving to Canada. Yeah that's right upstairs neighbors, get ready for a bunch of Americas invading your moose loving country. (Do you like moose? What is plural of moose? Seriously do you like all of your moose?)
PS: Florida is fucking retarded with voting. I'm not kidding, what the hell is wrong with that state that they can NEVER get their shit together? "the lines are too long so the polls will stay open longer. This may take until tomorrow" What. The. Hell. Florida! Move your ass and push the buttons of whoever you want to vote for in a hastily manner please! No cancel that, just go home. We don't need you to vote now. Your state is gonna rip off America eventually anyway. The best thing to come out of your state? Disney World. Its not even a person.
The news make it sound like it's a cross between a football game, with the stupid music, and an all out war, with bayonets! I can't pay attention to some of the horrific coverage going on; "Let's look to twitter to see what people think!" Really? 250 characters with misspellings and all? How about you get some of those conservative racist tweets and put them on air, huh? Or the crazy ass poor liberals who are drug dealers and go "YOLO Obama's mah home boy!" that's real educational! Let's learn about what horrible grammar, narrowed minded, duck face loving crazed teenagers think about the election!
the Obamaians:
while the Romneyians:
Obamaians, what are you cheering for? Our economy still sucks and guess what? I don't have a job worth my education! Oh you don't either? How ironic... Romneyians, why you so pissed? It can't get worse, right?
Florida?! Stop trying! Next time tell all the old people that the election is in October. That way they'll vote fucking earlier and you won't have this god damn problem again! This keeps happening... STAHP it FLORIDA!
Time Square, calm your tits! Instead of parading the streets shouting "4 more years", why don't you go do something productive! Get a job! Oh you can't? Yeah didn't think so...
Fun political fact: Regan & Nixon won every state except for one... What the fuck? What did the other party do to piss off the WHOLE country that much?
Fun political fact: The candidate who ran the most times for office for President was Norman Thomas, who ran 6 times from 1928 and was too senile to realize he should stop trying after 1.
Fun political fact: The Ancestry of all 44 presidents is limited to the following heritages, (or some combination): Dutch, English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Swiss, German , and Africian... can you guess which one was added recently??
Fun political fact: Lincoln was a vampire slayer- No? He wasnt? But that movie said- Oh I'm not supposed to believe in media portraying politics as something it's not? Okay.
Funny how the popular vote and the electoral vote are different: Oh I like this guy's personality but I'm not fond of him enough to do the job I want the other guy, who I don't like on a personal level, to do.
Romney's concession summary: I called Obama to say fuck you- I mean congratulations! I compare my wife to Ryan. I believe in our country that didn't vote for me. Bye.
Obama's speech summary: Ya'll voted me in office again? All the shit I got away with last term? What won't this country believe? Imma do whatever I want!
I wake up this morning to Florida STILL undecided on who won their state! Y U so slow at voting? You are the only fucking state not on the board and you were the first to vote! Flooorrriidddaa! What are you doing? Go the speed limit and learn how to parallel park! Arrrgggghhh!!!
(Florida took a week people... A week.)
Now that that rant is in the open... Naturally, I talked about the debates as well. Debating is exciting and thrilling, and so is my ranting!
First I give you...
The Vice Presidential Debate:
Anyone catch it?
I literally was laughing my ass off the whole damn time this was going on... Biden's creeping smiling, Ryan's creepy smiling, Biden's semi-lying abilities, Ryan's downright lying abilities, Biden's inability to shut up, Ryan's inability to tell the truth or answer a question correctly or explain his own policy. Biden's "friend" talk. Ryan's lack of math talk.
LOL.
Just LOL.
All the foreign topics, from Libya to Afghanstan to Syria... it's just... *balling fists* *silent screams*
*breathe*
Politics really is a bunch of bullshit. Who can bullshit the best will win this election. That's what it'll come down to and that's why it's always come down to, right?
For me personally, Foreign Policy is right up my ally, I mean hell that's like what I live for, to learn about others... so watching this debate what just oh so... mind boggling...
Also how the moderator asked about religion? I'm sorry, but are you fucking kidding me? Religion is separate from State!!!
kamehamehaaaaa
Even worse when moderator asked about character? Da. Fuq. They're both POLITICIANS! Of course they're both corrupted assholes! COME ON!
What was your favorite part?
Mine was when
2nd Presidential Debate:
MALARKEY~
(Oops, sorry still stuck on Uncle Joe for a moment there...)
So. It comes down to Obama's shitty past happenings VS Romney's complete mysterious unknown future. ..
Awesome. Let the bullshit commence!
I need to talk about Libya first...(Because it was the only foreign policy question WTF) since I always have a fire lit under my ass about how Romney handles his foreign issues.
My favorite part of the debate? When Romney tried to "catch Obama in a lie" about repeating Obama saying he called those killings an "act of terror" ... guess what Romney? HE DID! I even remember that how the fuck didn't he? How Obama came off, how angry and insulted he was when he was speaking to Romney about what he said the next day and greeting the caskets as they came back...
I loooved seeing Obama with that "Imma kill you, you son of a bitch..." look in his eyes haha
(This is better than the Housewives of New Jersey! *squeal*)
and that's why I don't appreciate Romney's "shoot first, aim later" aspects of his policies... THAT pisses me off.
It irritates me to NO END that he uses that as a political jump hold when he never has any idea of what he's talking about in regards to foreign issues! (And what is Romney really gonna do about China? I mean really now, really?)
Obama couldn't talk whatsoever in the economics department, because let's face it, not much has happened. He may have saved us from a complete
Obama's strange reference to how everyone should go to college is bullshit. No offense, not everyone should go to college! Many people frankly can't handle it for one, not only does it make college not as creditable and that piece of paper becomes worthless but it demoralizes the specialized jobs that still take much skill just not writing papers for 4 fucking years...
Yes people need to be educated, but college is not necessarily the way to do it...
And nobody answered the question about how women will get equal pay... Nice try men,we saw that!
Obama said nothing about his policies again (I look to the future to give everyone equal opportunity... okay and?) and Romney changed his policies again with no specifics again (5 point plan? dafuq? Is the first step not talking about the plan?).
(But he said THIS- No he said THAT-)
Oh and them literally circling each other like stalking animals was hilarious. Both trying to speak over each other? Even better. The moderator was like "BOYS! LISTEN TO MEEEEE~
One thing that irritated me was the moderator and her lack of keeping fair balanced time between the two candidates. Romney got much less time in the "counterattack" area. And she clearly set up Obama for a "zinger" in one area (fuck I can't remember which section it was in)
and Talk about useless questions being asked. I'm sorry, but gun control? Are you kidding me? Let's all go to craigslist and see how many AK47s we can buy without a background check... I'm serious, go look how many you can buy. There's nothing you can do because it's FAR TOO EASY to beat the system. It's like downloading music illegal.You can't stop it.
How are you NOT like Bush Romney?... LOL what kind of stupid ass question... *gasp* You're a republican too??? Then Obama? How are you NOT like Clinton then?
And my
Funny at the end when Romney says he cares for 100% of the people and Obama reminds him about the 47%... I LOLed soooo hard. I know you can't remember your policies Romney, but for fuck sake remember what you said in the past month or two at least...
Aww politics is so fun
Yeah I watched this sober too. I should play the drinking game because it's funnier that way. Me and my friend did that for the first debate and let's say... we dranka lot...
(I couldn't even WRITE about the 1st debate...)
3rd Presidential Debate:
Surprisingly this wasn't as much a shit show as I had expected.
Congratulations Gentleman! Obama, you stayed awake for the entire debate and Romney you decided to sound less like you were from the far right.
Let's get right down to business, shall we? So the topic was supposed to Foreign Policy. Let's see how that went...
So, of course Libya was brought up first. This is where Romney talked about Obama killing his way out, only 5 seconds later talk about killing the 'bad people' ...wat? Obama, every chance he got, clarified to Romney that he actually doesn't know what he's talking about and moved on to developing in America.... wat?
Foreign Policy, gentlemen... please.
Next was Syria which both decided to say the exact same thing! They must have shared their notes from Teacher. Laaammmmee.
Liven things up please!
But Romney's, Syria is an "opportunity for America"... clearly you are unaware that real people live in that country... and are not American... and don't really like America... and want nothing to do with American policies...
Okay, just making sure we got that.
Oh and Romney, please take a look at this map...
Take a loooong hard look at it. Thank you.
Moving along to Egypt... or as Obama saw it as time to talk about America again... Stop Obama... Stop it.
My favorite question that didn't get answered? "America's role in the world"
Romney? "Imma talk about the economy, derp derp derp"
Obama? "Imma talk about how you don't know anything AND the economy, har har har"
...ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Answer the god damn questioooonnn!!!
Stop talking about math teachers! They have nothing to do with the role of America internationally.
Stop talking about Massachusetts! Massachusetts is NOT the world!
Favorite line from Romney? "Come to our website! We explain it all on there"
Well Romney, guess what? You asked and I obliged...
Here's a summary of what his website says in his 8 pages of policy:
-we have potential
-Obama fucked up
-list what Obama has done wrong x100
-last 4 pages I finally tell you what I will do
-aaannndd just kidding! I still don't tell you anything!
-Vote for me! hehehe!
Footnote:
Maaaaattthhhhh... Maaaaattthhhhh! Why can no one do math correctly?
Favorite Obama quote of the night of course has to go to:
Aww Romney, you want to play battleship? You sunk my bayonet and horses!
Next we talk about Israel and Iran?
But somehow China and Russia get in there...
Is Romney dating the prime minister of Israel? He said he had a very close relationship... *wink *wink *nudge *nudge I don't know where your country is... with him,
International Romney Foreign policy not America is awesome policy...
Can we please be clear on this? We cannot turn every other country into America 2~192
Romney: China's international right?
Obama: Yes, one country...
Romney: Well, take a look at Latin America, they're just as big!
Obama: That's not one country...
Oh and Romney brings out Obama's "Imma kill you" look again, when he references the apology tour! Classic!
Moving on to Afghanistan? Maybe? No? Okay... Obama STOP! Stop talking about America! Foreign Policy time---!!!
The Moderator barely said anything and he stumbles on what? "Obama bin laden????" Whaaaat? Did anyone else catch that one?
Moving along to China?
Oh j/k, I mean future threat to national security...
Oh no? I'm sorry wrong again...
Seriously, where did the national security question go? What? WHAT? Stop talking about cars! No one would EVER buy a Chinese car!
And let the Shit show commence!!
This is where nothing got done. Creepy Romney smile came through while both parties battered each other about fucking car companies instead of answering the god damn question!
We get it, don't fund into private companies, but research in universities is okay...
Somehow we stumble into Education and I'm glad the Moderator had the last say: Moderator: "I think we all can agree that we love teachers"
BaZING!
Closing Statements?
Obama clearly copy & pasted his last closing statement; "Bitch ain't nobody got time for this! Vote for me!"
While Romney decided he would tackle math again and fail;
Surprisingly they both ended with even time! Good job Moderator who barely said anything! That's the way to do it!
Now clearly Obama mentioned Romney waaaay too much in this debate. Like, a bit of an obsession.
Romney? Changed his policy again. Trying to keep America on their toes with who exactly he is! Oooooh Mysterion?
As long as you remember your own policy...
But you look like so many other rich white Conservative rich men I've seen... I can't tell the difference anymore!
Crying in a corner now.
Side note: right after the debate, the UK stated they'd double their drones in Afghanistan... looks like someone was tuning in...(It's okay! America said yes!)
And with that the debates are finally over...
What have we learned children?
Politics is a bunch of malarkey...
Ah~ I feel much better after those rants.
Thank you for reading!
0 件のコメント:
コメントを投稿