Mass Effection 3 Citadel DLC rant and rave!

My Mass Erection Effection 3 rant continues with...

The Citadel DLC!

*Spoilers Included*

But Julie I thought you were done-
NO! I'm never done with my Mass Erection!!!

What is there left to talk about? A sweet little diddy I'd like to call Citadel-why-isn't-all-shore-leave-like-this-DLC

Even though I'm still

I will bring on my ranting...

So I’ve acquired some fashionable pad that Anderson has been keeping all to himself, even though he’s dying on Earth currently.

May I ask how the first human spectre didn’t have a sweet apartment like this? Hmm?

Shenanigans.

Anderson is like “lolsies I’m most likely gonna die here… so there you go! Have my very expensive mansion apartment complex in some eccentric part of town! The fires never shut off, so it’ll mostly likely burn the place down in the near future! Hazzah! Oh I’ve also left a bunch of extremely personal audiopads lying around for no particular reason other than to make you listen to my voice for an excruciating long period of time! You’re welcome!”

All while FemShep is “…”

So shore leave. 

...more like everyday.

Because we don’t have enough times when I’ve come back to the Citadel for one specific trip just to fuck with people’s heads and makes us waste all our fuel. It’s my damn ship, I do what I want!

Joker’s like "come have sushi with me!" 
I’m like "YES." No questions asked. 

Bitches love sushi.

Oh j/k Joker didn’t send that message… 
Now some cray bitch named Brooks comes to find me and freaks out saying someone is gonna kill me. (Who aren't reapers btw, which I'm like oh well who cares?) She has got to be the worst alliance officer ever… of all time.

I’m like umm bitch. EVERYONE is trying to kill me… do you know who I am?!

What are you the reincarnation of Ashley?! If you call me skipper, I'll kill you.

and we don’t get to have sushi because someone fucking attacks us first. FML
I wanted sushi… //frowny face//

So I fall through the fish tank, because I don’t have any skills suddenly…
Don’t have a scratch on me. (Don’t think that’s really possible…) I must have super powers now!

Or I'm Batman.

So I run around the citadel trying not to die with some amazing pistol I’ve acquired magically.
Kaidan lover shows up.

Kaidan: “And Shepard… nice outfit…”
FemShep: "thanks Kaidan it’s pretty much the same damn outfit you have on actually. I didn’t wear a dress to dinner with Joker, fuck no, my body’s for you Kaidan clearly! But did you ask me out on a date? Nooooo~ You were too busy doing something else huh?"

You cannot see my boobs through my armor Kaidan.

And who else shows up?
Fucking Wrex?!?!
I almost pissed myself with joy (or orgasmed with happiness) 
He legit tackles a flying car... because he can. I can't even-

What happens if he died? Who shows up then?

We get back to my new sweet pad and It’s like a ME1 reunion just walked through the door (+EDI)... AKA everyone who enjoys getting shot at came to my aid… I may have been way too joyous during this time.

Brooks talks some kind of nonsense to me for a good 5 minutes

Seriously, did no one brief you on WHO I AM!?!

...who let you join the army? Seriously? 
Is Anderson trolling me?
Did he send her to test my patience?



I'm failing.

So uncover mission time, we are forced to dress up nicely... and I begrudgingly take Brooks along, since I’m convinced she’s not capable of doing anything beneficial to me…

One false move and:

So Shore Leave has taken a toll for the sexy.

Finally wear my dress… Kaidan says nothing.

(btw FemShep walks soooo fucking weird in that dress of hers. It’s like her butt sticks out way too far. I swear EA really needs to fix this shit… I’m pretty sure the people who work on these games have never met a real woman before.)

Kaidan, why don’t you wear this snazzy outfit more often, huh? You looking handsome under my command should be mandatory.

I force Kaidan to dance for a good 10 minutes for my personal enjoyment. All while Brook is whispering in my ear "I'm upstairs... come meet me" Ignoring you...

Dance gypsy DANCE!

Seeing Sha’ira again was a fiinnnaallly for me. (You know the asari whore excuse me I mean the hostess/massage therapist/mindraper from the first game) They did that way too often with this game, just make up characters and go “nah we don’t need you byeeee”

I asked her if she was going to mindfuck me again... she didn't respond.

I have to talk to guards and hack security cameras so why-am-I-in-a-vent-Brooks can do her damn job. Goes to show FemShep is the boss since she makes everyone else do random grunt work for her.

Kaidan did a fantastic job of making up nonsense while talking to people. I actually missed my chance at hacking the system because I was too busy laughing at his ridiculous stories he made up.

"Heeeey~ don't I know you?"
"No..."
"No I TOTALLY know you!"

So finally mission complete?- Oh, er, that dude is dead. Cool. Oh we recovered data, yay? WTF is going on? 

We aren't planning things out well are we?

Time for phase two I guess.
I take Wrex and Kaidan lover with me because reasons.
Liara, and EDI get all pissy with me, saying I never take them anywhere. So I’m like, "I shall hear your complaining and raise you- I’ll take EVERYONE! HAZZAH~~!!!"Why this hasn’t happened before is beyond me.

Mass Effect Logic: 

Very important mission, humanity relies on this intel. Take 2 people with me. Leave rest on ship.

Some dude brings me a pizza because James got the fucking munchies. Biggest “lol what??” moment. I haven’t thrown the party yet come back later!
What a bro James is, seriously... (You're not allowed to have pizza unless we bang.) Deal?

So new mission of great importance… and who do we meet now?
An alleged clone of me?
…wat?

Sorry wrong game.

Kai Leng Miranda… I think you have some explaining to do…
I was mad confused this happened, let alone that my clone is legit capable of destroying my life. Shenanigans.

The subtitles are funny, they first call the clone "Mysterious Figure."
I'm like "No... I'm pretty sure that's me.."

I was dumbfounded for a good 10 minutes.

Kaidan did a fanfuckingtastic job defending my honor...
Kaidan: "Y-you're not the real Shepard! R-right Shepard? I, er, wait, who have I been having sex with?!" *spaz attack*
FemShep: *Death Glare*

Kaidan god dammit NO! STAHP IT!

Shore Leave is getting ridiculous...


My clone is basically a better version of me, except she's an uberbitch...

Alright then...

FemShep is like "Imma talk into my omnitool and stop you fools from taking my ship-"
Clone: "shanked."
FemShep: "...dammit."



Going through the archives was actually pretty cool; it’s like an extra history lesson that they completely forgot to add in the actual game…

EA: lol let’s put this into the story line! Why? Because we can~!
Seriously EA. Stop that shit. 



So we fight our way to the clone to have what happen? We get stuck in some container and oh look that stupid clone set this whole thing up. What a grand surprise! 


Funny how the original Shepard is suddenly a dumbass. That clone stole more than looks in this case. 

Oh and that bitch 
Miranda Brooks. I fucking knew it. No one is that stupid of an officer in the Alliance. Frankly, I’m glad she betrayed me because now I know she’s actually not a retard.



Good for her.

(Pretty much Brooks IS Ashley reincarnated because she hates aliens... I knew it. They're punishing me for killing of Ashley and enjoying it.)

Oh and now they’re taking my ship. Hell. No.

Also, suddenly I'm not FemShep anymore and I'm just a civilian stuck in a container.



The whole “I should go” conversation was golden. (Why didn’t they do MORE of this in the original game?! ) FemShep is so worried about how she pronounces a sentence while Wrex and Kaidan are like.. ummmmm can we please get outta here...

Must get back to ship.

More bitching from Edi and Liara because I don't take them along...

My clone tries firing everyone on the Normandy. I know FemShep can be a bitch sometimes, but really? No one thought that was a little odd? Really?
Traynor flips a shit at me.

Traynor: Why would you fire me! Omg I'm amazing why whhhhyyyy
FemShep: Calm down LezzieBean!

We use… I’m sorry… we use Traynor’s toothbrush to break into my ship? …I…

I can’t…



Me: ...w-why...?
EA: because reasons.

We’re on the ship, all my shit is in a bag labeled trash, even my cute little hamster… 
WHO THROWS OUT A HAMSTER?!

Imma kill… dat clone bitch.



FemShep holds nothing back and almost destroys the Normandy to get it back.
Mass Erection logic. It’s fine.
Because I’d rather have the ship destroyed than a clone pretending to be me and frolicking around smash ruining my golden reputation. 

So showdown.

I beat this clone pretty quickly to my surprise, even those my clone has a much better healing ability than I do… seriously FemShep got the low end of the “make me whole again” deal here…


Sorry, wrong game again.

I even try to save the clone. Why? Because I wanted spare organs. That’s what clones are for. And we all know FemShep needs extra parts.

Didn’t happen. Died anyway.


Miranda Brooks goes to jail... Allegedly you can kill her. Missed that opportunity... (It's okay I killed Ashley) 

Normandy still needs repairs, huh?… lol I wonder why? 
Did Femshep have something to do with that hmm???


...I can't unsee this.

Guns, guns, and more guns... NRA conference addition. (June 2013)

I didn't have enough coffee this morning...

...should be an interesting day.

So guess what I need to talk about...
The news? 
Yes.
Please not again-
IMMA DO WHAT I WANT!



So the NRA had their annual conference this weekend (in Texas of course)...

I'd like to provide you all with a few hilarious highlighted quotes.

My favorite from Wayne I-got-my-gun-from-the-lord LaPierre who asked the important question "How many Bostonians wished they had a gun two weeks ago?"

*Raises hand* Oh! Pick me LaPierre! I can answer that one! 


I'd say none. 

In fact, I believe they would rather the terrorists NOT have guns.... otherwise who the hell needs a gun in rural Boston? You gonna hunt deer with your high powered rifle on the streets?



LaPierre proceeded to use the same words he uses every damn year consisting of "If you are an NRA member, you deserve to be proud," and "exemplify everything that's good and right about America."

We get it LaPierre, you believe you're the gun wielding Jesus of the United States of Texas America' Murrica... Stop shoving it down our throats.

But don't fear gun loving people! You have Sarah Palin to speak for you as well! Aren't you proud?


(Please fill in definition of "mad" as you see fit...)

I think her husband hunts bears in Alaska? Possibly snipes Russia on the weekends? Not sure...
Oh my mistake...

She wore a shirt that said "Women Hunt" on it.

I swear, she's like one of those girls who thinks she video games and believes she needs to point it out at every chance she gets to her guy friends to sound cool... ; "I'm totally a gamer hunting gurl guysss! Seeeee? Look at my nerd shirt! I play hunt Call of Duty! Zelda's  My husband's green camouflage hat is so funny looking! What's your gamer score rifle gauge? Mine's 4000! Aren't I pretty? PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!" 

*ahem*

She's like a soccer mom who's gone ballistics...

She said some absurd comforting words; "Instead of leaders who offer real solutions, we have leaders who practice the politics of emotion ... The politics of emotion is the opposite of leadership. It's the manipulation of the people by the politicians for the own political ends. It's not just self serving, it's destructive and it must stop.."

Of all the people to talk about limiting freedoms, I believe a soccer mom politician shouldn't be one of them...
I think Palin doesn't understand some levels of irony.



The 2nd amendment was quoted about 1000 times in only a few hours. Is that honestly the only argument here? I'd love to sit some of these people down and ask them about any other amendment, just to see if they're being biased or not... (Or if they can name any other amendment...)



Does Chuck Norris need a gun? No.
Any other argument is invalid.

Now I sound like I'm against guns.
I'm not. I believe people should be able to own whatever the fuck they want (as long as they are responsible). Frankly, in history, guns have protected a lot of people from a great amount of harm from either the government or other intruding parties...

However... some people are just ridiculous about it. Warping religious history and citing things that don't pertain to what the 2nd amendment actually represents is an absurd way to get the NRA's someone's personal views across to the public...

Just sayin'

That being said... the government is trying to pass some new gun laws that literally do nothing and don't help the situation whatsoever.

What happened to all that mental health care we were supposed to look into, huh?
Oh that was forgotten? Just like every other time it's been brought up? Since nothing's changed in the past 40 years?
Gotcha... Needed some clarification on that one...  

This is why nothing ever gets done... ever in our country.

I mean this is 'Merica. 

E3 2013 conclusion

Now to business:



So Playstation 4...
 (which isn't retardly named like another certain console) 
Xbox... One...

...where'd the one come from?
Seriously, either be creative or just keep counting. Nintendo does whatever the hell they want and Playstation just counts! Microsoft STAHP IT. You're like the 'tard step child... 

...is looking MIGHTY good right now, huh?

I believe they were giving the middle finger to Xbox at one point, yes?
...They weren't?
Oh my mistake...

The price probably hit me the most. That was like a... tehehe omg rweally?!?! moment... Like a little schoolgirl 

I've gotten closer to believing my xbox days will be done haha...



Having the Kinect on at all times... watching you like a creeper is a bit... unsettling... right?
I mean the government already does this, I don't need my own gaming system watching me, silently judging me, spying on me, all day every day...

Kinect will look at you when you enter a room, recognize your facial features and bone structure and greet you??? The microphone will pick up your voice-- if you dare speak your thoughts out loud in your own home-- and recognize you...

It never stops listening!!

That is CREEPY.

Allegedly, If you want privacy, we'll give you modes that ensure your privacy... Notice that IF at the beginning of that sentence.

Again, creepy.

Frankly, I don't appreciate that they're trying to make their gaming system an "entertainment system"... It was bad enough 360 had all that extra content that was highly unnecessary. (Give it, I'm aware PS4 is an "entertainment system" as well... *sniff*)



I get that technology has decided to take a direction in "this device does EVERYTHING", but I don't NEED all this stuuuufffff srigieneignoslfei 

I just want to GAME.

The whole, no backwards compatitbility, what's up with used games, do I need to be online all the time???? rumors that are floating around are also a bit unnerving.



Meanwhile Playstation:


As usual in my mind it's Xbox vs Playstation.

Meanwhile Nintendo:


Nintendo has nothing to worry about. I'll be a loyal follower of them until the day I die. They're legendary... and they have Miyamoto san.


So let's talk about some fun new games, shall we?

New Final Fantasy *insert roman numbers here* looks intriguing as fuck, and I don't play FF (I just cosplay as Tifa?)
They announced Kingdom Hearts III after a scabillion years... closest I've ever gotten to KH was listening to MC Chris complain about it compared to Resident Evil 4.
Fucking Watch Dogs looks amazing. 
What... is Mad Max? I is intrigued. 
Wolfenstein = Nazis... with robots? (Is this a remake?)
Beyond Two Souls looks pwetty good...
The Evil Within trailer... *shutter* that's okay, I didn't need to sleep tonight. I may have nightmares for a little while now... (Do I smell a future DPLaG series??)
Destiny just looks so super... pwetty... (*-*)
Quantum Break YUP.
I should care soooo much more about Halo 5, but for some reason I was totally MEH.
(OMG MY FAVORITE)
I jizzed in my pants for Mirror's Edge 2. JIZZED. Fucking fiinnnaaallllllyyy.


Games make me so horny.

mhmm...



I believe because of my love for Japan I should probably get a Playstation, right?

Does the American bought Playstation have the Japanese language selection? As in completely turning to console to Japanese? 
That being asked, do the games have Japanese as a language setting as well/ do they automatically convert to Japanese?

THIS IS IMPORTANT. I MUST KNOW.

I ask this, since obviously the xbox 360 could convert to Japanese completely, along with some of the games actually converting to audio / had subtitles.

Legit. This is my deciding factor of console. I did this with my phone. I specifically bought an Iphone because I knew I could use it in Japanese.

Until next time

So... How's our country doing? 6.19.2013

So I believe this bitty country called 'Merica is continuing to fall apart, huh? From conspiracies to political manipulation to institutions failing apart...

Ugh.

The whole NSA scandal is just affirming that America doesn't particular know what they're doing and, worse yet, doesn't know how to keep their damn mouth shut about it.

My aunt worked at the NSA (she was 3rd in command/highest ranking woman actually during the 9/11 attacks... AKA super important person) who then moved on to be the assistant director of the FBI before retiring... because let's face it, she probably put up with so much shit she said enough after a while.

She recently told me something interesting, how America just can't figure out the Middle East; like it's some kinda of eccentric puzzle. Which is very clear considering we've been fighting a war that doesn't make any damn sense, along with giving no help to a genocide going on in Syria for 2 years... almost 100,000 people have died... that's fucking ridiculous.

The G8 summit went well, huh? Basically the richest of the world's countries, (except for ones the general population doesn't like???) get together and talk about important issues have din-din. Family photo was taken and everything. How cute. Assumingly Germany was the mother, since that's the only woman present... I'm sure Japan tried to keep the topic away from their central banking (since Japan weakened the yen to encourage inflation). Hey I don't blame them, the tsunami fucked over thier country oh-so-royally and I saw that first hand! Meanwhile Cananda's too busy with their crack cocaine smoking mayors, right? Sibling rivalries were had: US and Russia can't agree on jack shit apparently in regards to Syria...

It's so blantantly obvious Russia does not like US... 

So what got accomplished at the G8 summit?

"Man... I hope we solve this mystery..."

...And nothing happens!

It seems like most of the general population of America can't tell the difference between Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, and Terrorists. 

Wait which one are we fighting a war against?

Didn't we claim that if Syria was using chemical weapons against it's people, that we'd intervene? 

Fact Proven.

America: Uhhh... well we need to talk about this guys...

No one wants to get "involved" with Syria, so it's okay that their government is killing it's own people, right? They're not American, it's totally not our problem! ... we're too busy being peacemaker in another country who- er- wait, not sure what the difference is... What country am I talking about again?

Brian: Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
Peter Griffin: Oh so Saddam Hussein did this?
Brian: No.
Peter Griffin: The Iraqi army?
Brian: No.
Peter Griffin: Some guys from Iraq?
Brian: No.
Peter Griffin: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?
Brian: No, Peter Iraq had nothing to do with this, it was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians fianced by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
Peter Griffin: ...So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

'Merica.

But no, we have 2 Americans (The 3rd being Chinese) die from a bombing in Boston and people flip a SHIT but 100,000 people dying in Syria being killed by their own government, no one even bats an eye?

...Really? 

We're all human beings!

No wonder Hong Kong is praising Snowden for being a hero for "whistle-blowing"... half the world wants America to get knocked down a few notches (Let alone everyone wants to know our secrets so they can fuck us over later). Snowden, indeed did a few scabillion things illegally, thus he shouldn't be praised for it. I don't give a shit if it's whistle-blowing. 

How the hell is any of his information any sort of shocking, anyway?

I'm not shocked. Whatsoever. I thought it was pretty clear the government was spying on it's citizen since, what, the 60s??

The governement is taking our information illegally!! How rude!

...And?!

Go look at your fucking facebook! The Government has plenty of information from you and they didn't even DO anything.

Guess what , common American? You're not that important. Calm down.

Please inform me, common folk, how much knowledge you have about any of the governments operations...

Frankly the way Snowden approached this situation, he's just being a bit of a narcissist douche, in my honest opinion. Sure you've now told a bunch of Americans who have NO IDEA how any sort of systems work in the NSA and other government intelligent departments in the first place, but now you've told every one else in the world about them.

Yeah, congratu-fucking-lations you jackass. Now you can't come back to America. (Meanwhile his girlfriend is like... umm WTF is going on?)

Now the NSA has to literally explain in great detail what they've been doing and talking about they've been uncovering plots, etc. 

The whole point of the NSA is to do a bunch of stuff and NOT BE SEEN DOING IT. (It''s very clear the majority of this country simply cannot handle the knowledge of what goes on... point in case with what's going on right now.)

All while the world is now pointing and laughing going "Wow America, go home, you drunk."

We are drunk. We need to sit down and sober up.

So let's take a look, shall we? We have a president who got into office because of social issues that he was in better standing with... compared to the other party where each candidate was just... awful. Congress and Senate are run by a bunch of fucking old people (New Jersey? Oh, our senator DIED IN OFFICE... that's how old he was! That's absurd) Oldest man in the senate just broke the record for being the oldest man EVER in that position... How'd he get into office? Oh his daddy was in the senate as well. 

Great.

I can't even.

Our education systems aren't even teaching our kids to be intelligent and think for themselves? Oh that's not on purpose? I beg to differ. Having the general public of America being not that bright and easily manipulable I'm pretty sure is one of the government's agenda. Makes it that much easier for them.

Think about it, even with all the wikileaks documents leaked and this NSA surveillance being "whisteblown", but I can guarantee half the population still has no fucking idea what any of those documents actually reveal about this country.

Ignorance is bliss!

No. Ignorance is ignorance.

Oh Obama says he wants to educate the children?

Hmm... I'm pretty sure our kids are still pretty dumb. Throwing ipads at them and dumbing down college so that everyone can "have a fair shot" isn't education. Don't get me started on teaching for the purpose of taking a test.

All the kiddies are too busy worrying when Justin Bieber will post his next shirtless twitter twat pic... (which he, by the way, should just stop driving cars all together, he's gonna kill someone, seriously...)

Dammit Canada... Dammit.

Allegedly, the US and Taliban are going to sit down and have a heart to heart after a decade of violent outrages between the two...

Oh what a magical moment. I'm so proud of our country.

More talking that will create more stalling of action? Hazzah!

*Ahem* I mean congratulations, this took 30 years...

Major frustration...

*Breathe*

Okay I think I got it all out... haha