Politics 2015 - Debate Edition

Apparently there was a debate.

So... Donald Fagen Trump's bat shit crazy, right?

How many thousands would legit more out of this country if he was President? Then realize how shitty it is everyone else in the world, try to come back, but Trump had already built a huge wall around the US, renamed the country the UTA; United Trump of Americas.

Pretty sure it'd be him, Texas, and maybe a bunch of cold Alaskans. That's a lot of space he can put up casinos crop fields.

Dat look. Exactly.

Putin backs Trump. We’re in trouble now.

Teddy Bear Cruz's website keeps getting more shittier hysterical. Have ya seen his Christmas Sweater? Or How about the Straight Outta Congress poster?

His "Traditional Social & Moral Values"... are not referring to the gayish type things we do now but returning to colonial days where we'd have to churn butter and have weird ass names like Hepzibhah, Bathsheba, and Waltercronkitina. Olden America, where nobody had any rights.

It’s also come to my attention that Cruz and Rubio are, in fact, the same entity. One’s simply the alternate reality of what would happen if slacking on salsa lessons.

Bennie Carson falls asleep with his eyes open.

Christopher Columbus Christie I’m convinced is in the Jersey Mafia.

He’s so Jersey he’d fist fight Putin on the boardwalk while shotting down Jägermeister. Fist pumping his victory on the dirty Shore sands. I’m just kiddin’ he’d be on the ground humming to himself in drunken slur a Bruce Springsteen song. "Boooooooorn is the USA~"

At least Jebadiah Bush isn’t stupid enough to say he liked the Star Wars prequels. That statement alone won him 1000s of new votes.

Rick Santoranium only has to say two words and he gets a round of applause.

Meanwhile Lindsay Lohan Graham's position is to disagree with everyone else so he stands out.

The debate consisted of a least a half an hour of Jeb claiming “Trump said blah blah ISIS blah blah not our fight” while Trump said “Blah blah blah blah shut up I'm perfect” Oh and a lot of National Security. Back and forth Cruz and Rubio. Meanwhile my boy Christie is like, “see this is what the senate is like. Endless bullshit and nothing gets done.”

+1 Zing! For him.

These are the best drinking games.

Patton Oswalt said it best; “I’ve taken a drink every time the CNBC anchors said 'ascending' and now I’m Judy Garland.”

Just because it was a Republican debate, doesn’t mean I’m not making fun of the liberals today.

Colonel Sanders, I am convinced, is an alien. Considering most of his ideas are so far out there, and are getting worse mind you, you'd have to travel to Jupiter to throw yourself into the time vortex to understand what the hell he's talking about. Raise the minimum wage to $15! Where the hell is all that money gonna come from? We're already 9 bazillion trillion dollars in debt you dickhead. 

They call Trump a Nazi? lol.

Let’s make the gap smaller by making everyone poor! Hooray! Politics!

Even Iron Lady Thatcher was like “Socialism is ridiculous you stupid runts.” Just replace the "R". (PS: can we resurrect her and bring her to America please?)

Kate McKinnon Hilolary goes on twitter once again to announce her "political point of smart business suit jacket" about things like Gun Control and LGBT rights. She basically waits until something "important" happens in the news, thinks about it for about, oh I don't know, a millennia, and then takes vague stance of "this is unacceptable."

"I never took a position on Keystone until I took a position on Keystone."

No, what's unacceptable is her lack of ability to showcase why the hell we'd ever want Bill Clinton back in the white house. An answer if you will?

Martin O’Holligan has a Celtic Rock Band. He has my vote!

"I think Assad's invasion of Syria will be seen as a blunder." — Martin O'Malley

…Nevermind.

So did I make fun of your favorite Candidate? Good.

Glad we had this talk.

Politics 2015 - Website Edition

Or as I like to call it po-lol-itics.

(Take this as serious as you take the internet)

Our nation is divide between the far too hypocritical PC police and the overzealous all-about-me ignoramus. 

It's almost as if -GASP- the political runnings are reflecting our current country status. What a coincidence!

So... who do we have?

A business entrepreneur who's fired a great deal of people, allegedly, and owns some casinos that are, quite frankly, very shiny and pretty to look at. -insert TRUMP taj mahal- (Seriously it's ridiculously shiny for no god damn reason) who goes on twitter rants to "prove points"...

Oh, no, he'll make a great president.

His website has him giving the peace sign. Is this a Nixon reference or is he trying to be a cute Japanese girl?

A doctor who can't stop telling people that he separated Siamese twins. Because that's the onlything he knows how to do apparently.

"You've got Questions? Ben has answers!" #ASKBEN.

Okay Ben. How does a belt buckle stop a knife. I want a demonstration.

Everyone seems to "hate" Donald Trump (though secretly agree with 80% of what he says) and condemn him for being racist and ignorant, when Ben Carson does the exact same fucking thing, and people laugh and go "oh his calm voice is so soothing." Both of these people are leading the polls and both know NOTHING about politics...

Good job Republicans.

Wait… there’s more?

Carly Fironnichachi reminds everyone that Hillary is banking on the fact that she’d be the first woman president, but she doesn’t do that by reminding everyone that she’s also a woman but doesn’t discuss that she’s a woman because she points out that Hillary does that instead. But not her. She’s a man’s man.

My head hurts.

Fironnichachi doesn't just have answers to her questions she assumes you'll ask her, but with videos of her, just in case you thought someone else did her website for her. 

Marco Polo’s e-mail sign up question is Are you ready for a New American Century? Starting a little late there huh? (Or is it early?!)

Sometimes tweets taken out of context... make little sense.

Speaking on "and how is this relevant?".

George Bush’s Brother's website has a photo archive that “tells the story of America’s best conservative governor” 

I wish they'd provide some context clues. Makes sense with his Dr. Seuss slogan of “Jeb can fix it”.

Chris Christie “tells it like it is” because he’s so fucking Jersey he can explain all the bullshit you ever wanna hear. Ever. Even the stuff you don't wanna hear. He'll tell you ALL THE SHIT.

Ted Cruz’s website is HILARIOUS. He sells Cruz Gear, has videos of him “telling off the media” and you can even get the Cruz Crew APP!

He makes sure you know he's a die hard fan of Jesus too. #CruzlovesJesus

I think his website is run by a 12 year old fangirl. Still waiting for his Tumblr.

Huckabee looks like Nixon, right? RIGHT?! Nixon came back from the grave to run for president again, right? Man Futurama was so on point.

And that's it- wait there’s even more. No, I’m done learning new names.

On the other side we've got a legit la-la-liar of former senator/benghazi fireball who pretends to be PC but really hates everyone who doesn't already agree with her call her (madam) president. 

Hilla-lol-ry has literally been on every liberal media outlet and comedy program to gain support from the youngins because she wants to be "cool" and "hip". (Trump does the same thing and suddenly he's a terrible "person" and a "jackass" for doing so.) Obviously these are the kids that don’t realize she’s married to Bill Clinton, right?

Her website lists every issue that by the time you get to G, you’re like “peace, I’m out.” She makes sure to cover every possible liberal issue in the world. Except why she’s qualified for presidency.

Then the
communist excuse me socialist who will try to bankrupt our country more with his ridiculous ideas from Jupiter.

Free college and no debit. La-la-lols.

Get big money out of politics. Excuse me, only huge narcissist rich douches run for president.

Real family values. –clears throat- lolsies to the tenth power, good luck with that one. America can’t even figure out it’s moral foundation baseline.

His list is almost as bad as the “madam’s”.

A hashtag #FeeltheBern has started for Bernie. Should be #Feelthedebt or #FeelikemovingtoMars? or #Feeltheeconomiccollaspetocomeifhebecomespresident

Martin O’Who? May have the most stoic website out of anyone. Literally his picture looks like he’s a statue.

Good job Democrats

I feel like I'm in the god damn Twilight Zone.

I need a stiff drink.

BONUS ROUND (INTERNATIONAL ADDITION):

Meanwhile in Russia

Putin rides shirtless on horseback with a shotgun over his shoulder, ready to ride each dawn and dusk for 3 years straight on his quest to murder all of ISIS himself. Along his way he so far has battled dungeon trolls, collected rare jewel amulets, and a band of followers behind his gallop.

Fun fact: His shirt was burned off by a dragon. No wounds are found because he is Marvel superhero Wolverine in disguise. He since has slayed said dragon.

Meanwhile in Germany

Merkel has stayed up for 3 weeks straight trying to find a good selfie to use against Obama if ever need for blackmail. 

Die Iron Frau knows no softness. She hasn't smiled in 5 years.

Meanwhile in England

Lives an immortal ruling the land. 

 There have been 12 U.S. presidents, 7 popes, and has owned more than 30 corgis during her reign.

My Tantilizing Review of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie

Haven't seen the Fifty Shades of Grey movie yet? 

Lucky for you I have... and here's my review of it:

Did I pay for it? No fucking way, I'm not giving this series any money.

Spoilers I guess. But y'all know this is a sadistic rip off of Twilight right?

We start off by diving into the naive college student's life who goes by the name Anal of Steele and the ridiculously wealthy control freak of a pursuer Sadistic Jesus Grey.

Apparently there's 50 shades of him.

...He may have a skin condition.

I went into this movie... knowing nothing but Gilbert Gottfried's readings from the book (his voice saying "my vagina!" rings in my ears still) and the infamous tampon scene. If you do not know the tampon scene, be thankful you do not know the tampon scene. Because the tampon scene is disgusting.

So far the audience with their "oohs" and "ahhs" have cracked me up more than this movie after 10 minutes in... which I wasn't expecting. Seattle! OOH! Tall buildings! AHH! Grey things! OH LA LA! I'll be dubbing them the "Bitches". (AKA the Bitches that got this ridiculous book a fucking movie. That’s enough Bitches, you can stop right there)

Anal seems like a complete space cadet who has no real personality. I'm reminded of another certain someone of the same caliber...

"Holy Cow." Already don't like you. 

She says she has a 4.0 GPA. Remember that for later.

DING! Elevators are so surprising! 

FYI: Anal is dressed like a blind Sunday School teacher's child. 

Her introductory? Tripping. 

We get it.

Anal is currently the most awkward person in this movie so far. Betcha that won't change!

Christian Jesus says he only has 10 minutes for this interview,  yet for the rest of the movie he finds hours upon hours of aimless time to stalk the Anal in her boring life journey. Yeah, pretty sure he's a damn liar.

"I'm a rich bastard, here's a pencil." Because pens are too high tech for my communistic capitalistic company. What does he even do? (Spoiler alert; this is never answered)

What interviewer asks a question like that? "Are you gay?"
He's a BILLIONAIRE, clearly the gender he likes is money.

This SJ fellow is I guess attractive, but so far nothing about his personality is shouting "I should totally be in love swoon swoon". Oh? He can name some old authors to impress an English Major? Pretty sure anyone can google that shit in 5 seconds.

"I hope you got everything you needed." "I think you only answered 4 questions." 

For real, this was the worst interview of all time.

Describing someone as clean. Not what I expected from a sex movie.

So we find out at the 15 minute mark that Christian is a stalker. Oh I'm sorry I mean "romantic"... stalker.

A billionaire who has time to shop on his own? Yeah, I call bullshit, he's got 20 butlers for that.

Showing up at Anal's workplace unannounced and having no offer to do so isn't stalking right?.

"What do you need?" "Masking tape…" "Are you redecorating?" Is she actually this dumb? (College ain't teaching kids like it used to) Instantly thinking he's trying to hide a dead body. (Next item on the list? Rope of course. Oh yeah no, already convinced he’s a serial killer.) Which isn't funny in the slightest that he could very well be a serial killer, but the Bitches in the audience find it HAH-larious. Seriously HE PROBABLY IS ONE. Y’all be laughin' as he cuts you to pieces. How the hell do ya think he got so rich and famous?

"Maybe coveralls so you could protect your clothes?" "I could just take all my clothes off."
Either he's trying to turn her on, or creep her the fuck out. You decide. 

Now I think if he oh-so-happened to actually be a serial killer, then this movie would have kept my interest. 

OTHER MEN TOUCHING MY ANA(L) STARE.

Someone doesn't smile. Again serial killer traits.... just waiting to trip over that dead body.

Hope this Sadistic Jesus guy pays for all my coffee and food on this "date(???x1000)" of ours. Because I'm an English major and I'm DEFINITELY poor and will have no prospect of a job in the future.

"Are you a romantic?" Because I'm not. I like whips and chains and shit. I like tying people up and burying their bodies somewhere in the woods.

Is shit for real? Seriously... is this shit for real? "I have to let you go" he says because some girl says "oh gee I like flowers and dates and girly things to show that you love me." what the actual fuc- they don't even know each other.... I'm dying from laughter already at it's only 20 minutes in.

I SAVED YOU FROM A KILLER BICYCLIST! NOW LOVE ME!

Soooo Sadistic Jesus mails her some books to win her over, since she likes books and all. lols English majors and their books. That's all they could possibly enjoy. So books...

Girl's bathroom. Longest line in the city.
HAH she has a flip phone. Hipster bitch.
Christian is an apple user. Dickhead.

Drunk calls I'm loling.

Did they skip the part where they said they were dating? Or that he’s her official stalker?

WTF worst drunk call ever.

Touchy feely grossy friend.... ew.

Correction; worst drunk ever.

Brother ex machina.

Faint ex machina.

I'm fairly certain she's the worst drunken college student in America. She's a senior right??

Is the plot that she’s the worst college student ever?

So... he undresses her, sleeps next to her and doesn't do anything to her...? Calling bullshit on this creepy not-a-vampire stalker man. Clearly sweetie you wouldn't even know if he DID anything. How long have you two known each other? Oh a day? Right.

Let me take these random pills on the table side. 

And let me take off my shirt for no god damn reason. This really is Twilight all over again.

"If you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week."

I have no words.

"No... no, this is creepy as fuck..." I let myself say completely out loud for the world to hear. Bitches in the audience, I don’t care, Imma say it cause;

"Why am I here, Christian?" He kidnapped you, duh.

"I don't do romance." Thought he was talking about a stripper here.

"My tastes are very singular. You wouldn't understand." "Enlighten me then."

Touch your face? Yes.

"I would like to bite that lip." Twilight inspiration here, here, and here. 

An "AAAHHH<\3" from the audience Bitches occurs from the elevator scene. I think I barfed into my popcorn bucket. Allow me to kiss you in a dirty elevator. Why is this guy so attractive????

THAT'S SEX. Not by people I thought were gonna have sex... don't shake his hand you don't know where those hands have just been!

What the actual... I'm laughing too hard to hear the dialogue. Is there an actual plot or are we only waiting for the sex?

"Awwww~~~" Bitches in the audience it's ONLY a helicopter. (Also who awws at a helicopter?) Calm your tits we haven't even made it to the sex yet.

"No escaping now..." he says as he straps her in. Yes, remember those serial killer traits I had in the beginning of the movie? I’m reminding you of all that again, and the fact I will very well kill this broad. ...I'm surprised she's not dead yet.

If I were her I would tell him, "instead of driving me around in your helicopter you rich bastard, how bout ya pay my month's rent?"

So far I've learned that these two have nothing in common... right??? Great start to a "relationship"! (??)

Did she just sign the BDSM consensual agreement form? Or is this a HIPPA? Wasn't aware forms were involved.

"Are you gonna make love to me now?" Dayum, bitch, slow down!

"I'm not gonna touch you, not until I have your written consent." It's like a serial killer comedy. How does she believe she's safe? Because he's famous? We all know what's been goin' on with Bill Cosby recently...

"My playroom" "like your xbox and stuff?" I believe I'd ask this question too because I'm a nerd and NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CALL THEIR SEX DUNGEON A PLAYROOM.

Spoiler Alert, he doesn't have an xbox.

So this is where he kills people and ties up their dead bodies right? Glad we cleared that up.

Well I'd run. Fast. Far away. Forever. But that's just me. Ana(l)'s apparently got more a brave heart than I do.

By the way, he still sounds like a serial killer. Like totally. No exaggerations. If I met him in real life I would be very afraid. He's staring at his rope collection a little too eagerly.

Also you know he has one person on the cleaning staff who goes, "no..... no.............. this no good."

Love how he walks around still in a suit in his own place. Fucking douche, take it off!

"It's called a flogger." Like she gives a shit what the name of the weapon is!

"You're a Sadist?" "I'm a Dominant." SO glad we cleared that up then.

"What would I get outta this?" "Me." Can we up the price to say a $1000 a week? Throw in some diamonds. Maybe a flat screen TV. How about the piano?

Woah BACK UP. She did not ask enough questions here. I've got a few more: 
"Why did you lock the door behind you if no one else is here?" 
"How many people have you done this with prior?"
"Why are their chains on the beds?" 
"Why can't I whip you instead?"
"You'd be paying for all this right?"
"Why do I still get the feeling you're a serial killer?" 

etcetera, etcetera...

Only on the weekends I want to bang/torture you...... lol

S-She's a virgin?! Oh this is even worse than I thought. How can she find any of this pleasing to the ears?

So we finally get to some sex. For a virgin she gave it up really quickly.

That's a butt.

I guess I'm not bored, so that's good... but I'm definitely not excited either.

meh.

Introduce the piano playing and suddenly I'm turned on, not for the reason Anal is. Oh they bang more? That 2 second melody he played must have been really important to the plot.

Another butt. (Same butt)

FYI: This is the weirdest movie I've ever seen.

After breakfast means taking a bath. A sexy bath.

"Do you trust me?" No... no you serial killer you. There is no reason to trust you.

We've seen alotta boobs so where's the dick shot?

Oh fuck no you're tying me up, I don't know you yet. A lot of boobs. Also kinda abusive and demanding... what. the. hell.

LOL moms here.

So the mom just walks in, they awkwardly chat, and then leaves? What the actual fuck is going on? Why did she even come over? This plot hole will kill me forever!

"You're the first." What every girl wants to hear. Doesn't even matter what it is. Could be "you're the first to kick me in the balls" and Bitches will go "awwwww"

Wait Ana(l) stands up for herself and says no? This isn't what 50 shades of grey is about right?

I'm so confused as to what this plot is...

Another "only you" dialogue thang. It's what every girl wants. 

Cliché you look different I feel different after first time sex dialogue.
Her roommate is definitely a slut.

Yeah you better google this submissive shit, are we not in the 2010s lady?!?!! How is she so shocked to see someone tied up after having a full conversation about BDSM with Sadistic Jesus?!

"My computer's down." Seriously, this girl needs to get with this century.

Once again... stalker.

More boobs, no dick. Is this movie really for guys?

Wait did she consent to this? Seriously did she consent to all this?! This is where I'd drawn the line and feel used. (In actuality, I would've drawn the line at ‘Hello’) He's like I fucked you doggie style then up and left... what?!

What every sex movie needs: contract negotiations.

"What are butt plugs?" so far I've laughed the loudest here. She doesn't ask what genital clamps are but those mysterious butt plugs?! lmao, I can't even....

"how impressed I am with your commitment to this meeting..." you mean the whole Anal’s gonna scratch out the things that she finds really fucking weird and painful? Not to mention she has no idea what half of this shit means and she STILL goes “uh, okay, I guess”

He proposes a "date" once a week and the Bitches go "awwww<\3"

WHAT THE ACTUAL FU-?!? That's basically a "thanks for lettin' me slap ya on the booty several times, here's a nice dinner!" 

Apparently SJ would be pleased to undress Anal and find out she's naked underneath her clothing. Like... every other human being on this planet.

I honestly can't take this movie seriously what so ever. I've laughed rather loudly again.

The plot's sex right?

'So there's the guy I banged' thinks Ana(l) as she's hears her commencement speech done by Sadistic Jesus. This is some kind of I’m-magically-important-to-the-world-ex-machina right? Does this guy ever work? He seems to only have the motive of stalking. Is that how he makes money? As a professional stalker?

Is the plot watching Ana mess up her life?

HOW is her slutty roommate friend the valedictorian? Is this clown college? Shenanigans! What was her major? Getting-sick-so-anal-can-meet-jesus studies?  (So... Religion studies?)

He sounds like a serial killer still... what's the tally count, 25 separate incidents?

He buys her a car? NOT “AWWW<\3” BITCHES IN THE AUDIENCE! THAT'S CREEPY AND WEIRD. Pay her college tuition instead you douche!

Wait this is abusive right?

What is going on?

How is this... any... I can't... I have no idea anymore.

Wait she's crying because he left or crying because he spanked her?

An hour in I'm far more confused than turned on... is this a bad sign?

Hah Playroom again. Where your xbox is right? Or is it xbone amirite?

Is the Playroom the plot of the movie?

More boobs, still no dick. Inequality.

Why does he keep his playroom locked if he lives alone?!?!

He braids hair? He said he wasn't gay right? Isn’t that another serial killer trait? Make ‘em pretty than kill ‘em.

Did he... did he just sniff her panties............................... wat.

So she made it through her first session or scene of whatever the hell it’s called... and she's too tired to walk. Fucking weakling, try doing a marathon or I don't know... getting beat up on the street? I'm honestly unsure how to feel about it. And then they play Frank Sinatra and dance... yeah stilll confused to what the plot is.

Is the undying fact these two aren't compatible the plot of this movie?

Dinner with family time. Because sex slaves need food too.

He's trying to touch her under the table while talking to his MOTHER? Is this a complex? But isn't that fucking weird?

"Jesus Christian you're so confusing?" Well glad I'm not the only one thinking that about this movie.

This is like one cliché after another. He's just as bad as Edward. Obviously he's the fanfiction version so that’s even worse.

Did he say his mother was a prostitute? I missed that apparently soul-enlightening dialogue, far too busy thinking why is he talking to his sleeping submission when she could very well be awake hearing all this...???

There's also a lot of wine in this movie. 

Is the plot of this movie wine drinking?

He buys her a car, but not a new fucking phone???

STALKER. FUCKING STALKER. AGAIN. x10.

"What are you doing here, Christian?" "I came to see you." "I enjoy stalking you."

Something about child abuse... honestly, I am way too busy thinking why in the hell am I watching this movie to care.

He introduces her as girlfriend, Bitches in audience go "awwwww-" SHUT UP BITCHES!

Is the plot to make me listen to these Bitches?

The only, and I'm talking ONLY, good thing about this movie is the song "One Last Night" by the Vaults. Because this song is beautiful and amazing. Has nothing to do with this movie, even though it's in the movie. 

How did this fucking story become a phenomenon.... seriously, how did this beat Harry Potter is sales? I am appalled by the fact this is famous. I'm concerned so many people will label this movie as romantic. I'm categorizing this as stalker porn.

The "What are you afraid of?” cliché

This is only stress release for him.

I see a feather.

And more boobs.

Some whipping.

More boobies.

And now piano playing. I like this part, I'm getting turned on here.

Now here's an abusive relationship right? This is like too much hurt, right? I am so confused why she doesn't say anything. HE DOESN'T OWN YOU YOU NIMWIT.

Isn't this what you agreed to do though? Get some booty slaps? He's a serial killer, I told you! That was extremely clear from the beginning. I'm honestly unsure why she finds his violent behavior surprising.

CREEPY STALKER. She said “don't come near me”, are you deaf???

Was it ever about love? I'm soooooo confused. 

Is that the plot? Being confused?

Closing elevator doors with hissing names, just as the movie started-

Wait was that the fucking end?!

BITCHES SHUT UP.

I can't believe I sat through this horseshit.